Couch Slouch preps readers for NBA season

As the NBA embarks on another FAN-tastic season – actually, these days, I guess, it’s a Daily FANtasy-tastic season – Couch Slouch marvels at the San Antonio Spurs battling Father Time, Stephen A. Smith battling Kevin Durant and Mark Cuban battling the Los Angeles Clippers:

Nobody ever leaves San Antonio. Players either stay with the Spurs forever or get in line to join the Spurs forever. The team’s latest pickups are David West, 35, and LaMarcus Aldridge, 30. Brett Favre, Derek Jeter and Jay Leno reportedly have discreetly inquired about joining the Spurs.

This season the Spurs will have eight players 30 or older, with five of them at least 35; at this rate, the Spurs’ training complex will replace Leisure World as the largest retirement community in the U.S.

(Five hundred years ago, Ponce de Leon futilely searched for the Fountain of Youth. Who knew all he had to do was take Exit 159B off Interstate 35?)

West wanted to come to the Spurs so badly, he took a pay cut of $10.5 million. Of course, he’ll make up some of that difference by using his AARP card at the local Golden Corral.

The four pillars of the team remain Coach Gregg Popovich, 66; Tim Duncan, 39; Tony Parker, 33; and Manu Ginobili, 38. Popovich came to San Antonio in 1996, Duncan in 1997, Parker in 2001 and Ginobili in 2002 – I believe they all live together in a duplex two miles east of a Dave & Buster’s.

The other day Parker said he wanted to play 20 NBA seasons in San Antonio. He made the mistake of mentioning this to then-wife Eva Longoria in 2010; she left shortly thereafter.

Father Coughlin. Donald Trump. Stephen A. Smith. Here’s the scaled-down version of the Smith-Kevin Durant kerfuffle:

Smith said he was hearing that Durant might go to the Lakers when he becomes a free agent.

Durant said Smith was lying and making stories up and said he never talks to Smith.

Smith responded with a 12-minute show-stopping soliloquy on ESPN’s “First Take,” culminating in telling Durant “you do not want to make an enemy out of me.”

To emphasize the gravity of the situation, Smith uttered the “enemy” line twice.

Something tells me if Bob Woodward or Carl Bernstein ever told anyone in the Nixon administration in 1973 “you do not want to make an enemy out of me,” Ben Bradlee would’ve had him back covering sewerage commission hearings by the end of business Friday.

Yes, this is a different time and sensibility. And, yes, Smith no longer is really a journalist, he’s just a smack-talking, carnival-barking bearded lady in the traveling sideshow, so one might defend his actions as pure entertainment and nothing more.

Nonetheless, it’s hard to believe that he could go on national TV, threaten a news subject he comments about and still have a seat on the carousel the next day – except it’s “good TV” and makes money for all parties.

Mark Cuban declares war on DeAndre Jordan and Doc Rivers. Here’s the scaled-down version of the Cuban-Clippers kerfuffle:

Jordan, a free agent, decided to sign with Cuban’s Mavericks.

Jordan then changed his mind and decided to stay with the Clippers.

Cuban was upset, real upset – like when he gets upset with officials’ calls every four or five minutes of every game BUT WORSE.

(In Cuban’s defense, he was left at the altar after paying for the wedding. And then he had to replace Jordan with JaVale McGee, which is a little like replacing a croque monsieur from Jean-Georges with a ham, egg & cheese croissan’wich from Burger King.)

Of course, Cuban could’ve just said, “Boo-hoo, we got screwed,” and moved on. But he said some bad stuff about Jordan and some bad stuff about Clippers coach Rivers, then Rivers said some bad stuff about Cuban.

Mavericks-Clippers is now the biggest rivalry in the NBA, perhaps even eclipsing the Roman-Persian Wars that began in 92 BC.

On the bright side – despite harsh words and harsh feelings – no one involved here made an enemy out of Stephen A. Smith.

Ask The Slouch

Q. You must be paid by the word, and it seems like quality of the words don’t matter to you. (Tom Waters; Spokane, Wash.)

A. Yes, I am paid by the word and I like to use real short ones ‘cause it gives me more bang for the buck. (For example, in the previous sentence, I used no multisyllabic words and no words longer than five letters.)

Q. You’re cutting edge, Slouch, so did you tune in to the Bills-Jaguars game livestreamed on yahoo.com? (Toby Andersen; Carmel, Ind.)

A. Are you nuts? I still have dial-up AOL.

Q. When you’re done watching the Matthew McConaughey TV ads, do you want to buy a Lincoln or do you want to drive one off a cliff? (Alan Wyatt; Indianapolis)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Is it true that Rick Pitino has been cast as Sergeant Schultz in the upcoming remake of “Hogan’s Heroes”? (K.W. Hemphill; South Riding, Va.)

A. Pay this wise soul, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!sergeant