Get OK to share others’ contact info

Wed., Sept. 16, 2015

Judith Martin And Nicholas Ivor Martin Universal Uclick

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I are unusually divided over an issue concerning some behavior by a dear friend whom we’ve known for years.

Upon leaving for college, he changed his email address and, most recently, his cellphone number. However, he has mentioned this only to a couple of people, and as a result, numerous people have called us complaining about his disconnected number and their returned emails.

I am not opposed to giving out this information, but I am wondering if perhaps it’s a little rude to exchange such contact information without letting close friends know and to expect others to get the word out. Should I confront my friend?

GENTLE READER: Assuming that you intend to publicize your friend’s new email address and telephone number – rather than the numerous complaints about his behavior – Miss Manners must first ask: Are you sure that it was his intent to share?

It is this question that you should pose to your friend, as it will allow you to determine what to do next without directly criticizing his behavior. If he agrees that the information is for distribution, you may then suggest that he notify people from whom he wishes to hear. If, however, he is making a fresh start, the most you can promise the discarded would be to forward their messages.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have had several friends who have been invited to wedding and baby showers but were unable to make it to the event. In my opinion, this should not exclude them from providing a gift.

Does it? I always alert the hostess if I am unable to attend and either send the gift with someone who is attending, or I make a special effort to make sure the guest of honor receives it. Am I wrong in sending a gift to events I do not attend?

GENTLE READER: You are not wrong in sending a present if you feel generous. What is wrong is mandating others to such generosity.

Shower presents are normally given only at the event. Miss Manners shudders to think of the bloated guest lists if invitations had to be considered invoices.