Carolyn Hax: Family can’t take annoying relatives

Hi, Carolyn: We just returned from a week at the lake with our two grown kids, their significant others, and other family members from both sides. This is the third year we’ve set up this family vacation, and we want to do it next year – minus my husband’s brother and wife. They love this week and look forward to it, but the rest of us find them harder and harder to take.

One issue is the tension between them, which has escalated over the years. They argue a lot, even with grandkids around. He occasionally throws in nasty comments (“Of course I didn’t want to see your son at my party – I wish he had never been born”).

The other issue is that she talks nonstop, to the point that people look for ways to escape.

We find the five- or six-bedroom house to rent and foot the bill. Our main goal is to spend time with our kids, and they appreciate it. We don’t ask anyone to split the cost, although some insist on contributing.

My husband is the one suggesting we not include them next time, but his strategy is to lie about it. I can’t quite agree to that plan, but I’m clueless how to proceed. – Stressed Out Vacationer

Lying and gathering without them is awful. They will find out somehow, because people always do.

Going this route is especially awful when three different high roads start here.

First, you can limit next year’s vacation to immediate family, and explain to everyone that the big house and big gathering stress you out. The second road is for your husband to tell his brother, with apologies for prying, that he’s concerned about the escalation of hostility between Brother and Wife, and he’s available for listening. The third road is one that you all bypassed on prior trips: Speak up. “Please find another way to resolve this; there are kids here.”