Carolyn Hax: Cats keep son from visiting grandma

Hi, Carolyn: My mother and I have been at odds for the past five years about her cats. My now 11-year-old son has allergies to cats, his eyes swell shut and he becomes incredibly congested.

My family lives 1,000 miles away, and before the cats we would visit regularly. About four years ago we visited, but my son became very sick due to his allergy and we had to leave early.

My mom has made me feel bad that I am unable to visit, however I cannot afford to stay in a hotel and will not risk my son’s health because of her cats.

My mom thinks I am being selfish and should subject my son to allergy shots so he can visit. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that she would even mention that as a possibility. I love my mom, but it hurts that she would choose to have cats instead of seeing her grandchildren more often. Who is right here?

–Missing Family

Well, the defender of the kid who can’t breathe is right by default. But that doesn’t solve your problem, so let’s keep going. You’re both being stubborn in your own ways. Her way is obvious – guilt-tripping you over your kid’s health.

Your way, though, has potency of its own. You live 1,000 miles away, so you’re clearly not there twice a month. She is allowed to manage her days between visits however it suits her to, also without guilt, and companion animals are a comfort for millions. So at least respect her decision to prioritize the quality of 350 days of her year, even though it complicates the other 15.

Cats aren’t the end of Grandma seeing Grandson unless you both make it so. Your mom, for example, can pick up that hotel tab. Or you can both agree to meet at a neutral, group-vacation location.

Presently both of you think you have the right not to budge. Which you both do, of course, but – does exercising that right serve anybody well?