Ask Mr. Dad: Sometimes dreams aren’t sweet at all

Dear Mr. Dad: My 6-year-old daughter has nightmares at least a few times every week. We’ve talked to our pediatrician, but he says that nightmares are pretty normal at this age. The doctor may not be concerned, but my wife and I are. How can we help our daughter?

A: Your doctor is right – nightmares are pretty normal, affecting 10 to 50 percent of kids 6 and younger. But that doesn’t make it any easier on you when your child wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. Before we talk about how to help your daughter, you need to figure out exactly what’s going on. Is she having nightmares or night terrors? They sound similar but are actually very different.

Nightmares generally happen in the last half of sleep – 2 a.m. and later. Your child will wake up with a clear memory of a scary dream, will be able to talk about it, and may be afraid to go back to sleep. It’s not clear what causes nightmares, but they’re often associated with something the child has seen or is worried about.

Night terrors, however, tend to happen in first few hours after falling asleep. The child may thrash, kick, moan, or scream for 10-30 minutes. Her eyes may be wide open, but she’s basically unconscious. The good news is that she’ll go back to sleep and will have no memory of the incident. The bad news is that night terrors are really scary to watch and there’s very little you can do.

Here are few things you can do to help:

Make sure you can always hear her if she cries out in the night. Get a monitor if you need to.

Take it easy. Really. If you act scared, you’re essentially telling her that yes, there’s something to be frightened about.

Reassure her in a calm, soothing voice, that it’s safe to go back to sleep.

Stay with her until she’s settled down. Reading a story is a great way to ease her back to sleep.

Discuss the nightmare, but only if your child is open to it. If she remember her dreams in the morning, encourage her to talk about the frightening parts and to make up a happy ending to it. But if she doesn’t want to discuss it, don’t push the issue.

Probe – gently. One recent study found that 36 percent of children who have nightmares are the victims of bullying. Is something stressful going on in her life (such as moving to a new home or mom and dad fighting a lot)?

What Not to Do

If she’s having a night terror, don’t try to wake her. Hold her if she’ll let you, and stay with her until she falls back to sleep.

Don’t let her sleep with you, especially after a nightmare. Kids’ minds work in strange ways, and she may get the idea that she should be afraid of her own bed. You may also be helping create a habit that will be difficult to break.

Don’t make fun of her, criticize, or tell her that nightmares aren’t real. They seem plenty real to her and blowing them off as trivial will only upset her more. Instead, assure her that all of us have nightmares and that they’re normal.

While nightmares may be associated with emotional distress, they – and night terrors – are often random events. Reassurance and support from you are usually enough to help your child until she outgrows the problem. However, if the nightmares or night terrors affect her ability to function during waking hours, or if you suspect that they’re causing any health problems, consult her doctor right away.

Read Armin Brott’s blog at www.DadSoup.com, follow him on Twitter, @mrdad .