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Doug Clark: It’s time to grade your summer thrills
Or has it been a box office flop like “Independence Day: Resurgence”?
Don’t fret. Find out by taking the 8th annual “Summer Excitement Quiz.”
July is deader than the Y Drive-In. August will soon evaporate faster than Spokane Mayor David Condon’s credibility.
Not to alarm anyone about how close fall is, but KREM-2 weather guy Tom Sherry has been heard gobbling in preparation for his annual Turkey Drive.
To be sure, there is still time to add some sizzle to your summer.
But like any drunk knows, the first step to self-awareness is denying you have a problem.
So simply scrawl a circle around the answers that best represent your STI (Summer Thrill Index). We’ll Freud the results later at the end of the exam.
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1. This summer I got way out there by …
A. Hiking the Washington Cascades. (2 Dilly Bars)
B. Kayaking the Washington waterways. (5 Dilly Bars)
C. Toking the Washington weed. (10 Dilly Bars)
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2. My body reflects the Summer of 2016 in my …
A. Dark bronzed beach tan. (2 Dilly Bars)
B. Sweaty runner’s afterglow. (5 Dilly Bars)
C. Callused rump from watching Trump. (10 Dilly Bars.)
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3. Please rewrite our familiar city slogan based on your summer activities. Spokane: Near Nature …
A. Near Beer Pub. (2 Dilly Bars)
B. Near Wine Bar. (5 Dilly Bars)
C. Near Rehab. (10 Dilly Bars)
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4. I experienced nature at its wildest when I …
A. Roamed the rugged landscape at Dishman Hills. (2 Dilly Bars)
B. Spent a weekend camping at Riverside State Park. (5 Dilly Bars)
C. Survived a beating by WSU football lugs. (10 Dilly Bars)
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5. The Summer of 2016 will always be memorable, thanks to my …
A. High school reunion. (2 Dilly Bars)
B. Triathlon finish. (5 Dilly Bars)
C. Arrest for trespass while playing Pokemon Go. (10 Dilly Bars)
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6. This summer the Spokane City Council …
A. Exposed the cover-up surrounding ousted police Chief Frank Straub. (2 Dilly Bars)
B. Tried to save us all from coal trains. (5 Dilly Bars)
C. I’m still sore that these overreaching nannies took away my right to bear elephant hooks. (10 Dilly Bars)
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7. I’m filled with pride this summer because …
A. The Spokane airport was ranked tops for terminal access and parking. (2 Dilly Bars)
B. Former Seattle Mariner Ken Griffey Jr. made it into the Baseball Hall of Fame. (5 Dilly Bars)
C. I survived a shivering night lost in the downtown Spokane road repair maze. (10 Dilly Bars)
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8. Now that August has arrived, I’m looking forward to …
A. Attending the Festival at Sandpoint. (2 Dilly Bars)
B. Watching the Rio Olympics. (5 Dilly Bars)
C. Trying to pick the petty criminals from the actual felons in my primary election ballot. (10 Dilly Bars)
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9. I faced my deepest fears this summer when I …
A. Took a wake-boarding lesson. (2 Dilly Bars)
B. Tried parasailing on Lake Coeur d’Alene. (5 Dilly Bars)
C. Joined the Spokane Valley alligator hunt. (10 Dilly Bars)
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All right. Let’s crunch our Dilly Bar numbers and see what they mean.
A score of 18 suggests you’re one of those individuals who pushes the elevator button when it’s already lit and finishes everybody’s sentences.
No one likes you, not even your cats.
You should consider running for City Council.
Scoring between 18 and 50 tells us that you really want to have fun but just don’t drink enough to know how.
A perfect score of 90 indicates that you are a walking rocking summer beach party wherever you go.
Grab the cooler. Crank the tunes. Clothes are optional. Oh, and remember to keep your guard up if you take your party to Pullman.
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.