Most of the Christmas gifts you buy belong to which category?
A) Social networking devices that should not be used while driving but probably will. B) Things you made yourself. C) Fitness gear for people who need to lose a few pounds and will not for one second miss your message.
D) Cheaply made though surprisingly expensive sweatshop-produced crap in big boxes that a kid will enjoy for maybe two minutes. E) Books by local authors who despise the presidential candidate for whom you voted. F) Gifts that generate revenue for the National Football League.
G) Toys festooned with warning labels that will remind certain concerned adults of that old bit on “Letterman” featuring “Bag o’ Glass” and “Johnny’s First Sawblade Shooter.” H) Wine and spirits with a Northwest connection. I) Festive firearms.
J) Northwest specialty foods that either leave you gassy or make your urine odoriferous. K) Hats destined for regifting or certificates that can be exchanged for 10 hours of personal servitude. L) Religious iconography.
M) Sports-themed apparel representing universities with fine academic programs, though you don’t know a single thing about any of them. N) Items from an airport gift shop. O) Subscriptions to publications that you want to support or memberships in an organization that will make the recipient urp his eggnog.
P) Items that could have been purchased at the “All Things Dead” shop in the movie “Roxanne.” Q) Something of the Month. R) Made in Idaho.
S) Tickets to upcoming Spokane concerts, musicals, et cetera or sporting events far away. T) Hectoring self-improvement books. U) Apparel selections that will have to be returned.
V) Erotic paraphernalia. W) Pets that the recipients will wind up dumping in the woods where they eventually will be killed by predators, if they are lucky. X) Gift cards.
Y) Outdoor recreation accoutrement. Z) Presents so mind-blowingly moving and generally excellent that the recipients will forever struggle in their attempts to match them when selecting gifts for you.
Slice answer: Readers were asked to characterize their attempts, when in a conversation, to sound out the melody in a song or other piece of music.
John McTear answered.
“My attempts are the aural equivalent of Elaine’s dance on ‘Seinfeld.’ ”
Today’s Slice question: What percentage of the Inland Northwest’s population could legitimately be labeled “ne’er-do-well”?
Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email email@example.com. Spokane’s John R. Weaver was a Cub Scout when he appeared on the “Cap’n Cy” show back in the 1960s.
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