Carolyn Hax: Ex does more with his family than his wife does

Dear Carolyn: I have been in a relationship for almost 12 years now. We have been married for nine. My husband is divorced, and his family is close to his ex.

From the beginning, his ex-wife has come to all family affairs. In the beginning I did attend some, but found it uncomfortable so I stopped, thinking she would back off as time went on.

The past couple of years, he has spent his major holidays with his family. It is getting worse.

Am I the one with the problem here?

The family also has a family website, and of course, I am not part of that, either. It is as though I am the outsider here, even after all of this time and even after marrying him. – The Outlaw

Though your in-laws are being thoughtless and self-indulgent, your husband is the real star of this crap show.

He’s the one who can put a stop to it.

When he married you, it became his job to own those choices. Not that he can tell his family whom to invite, but he can demonstrate to them that they can’t expect him to make an effort to attend these gatherings if they don’t make a better effort to welcome you. He can make it clear he’s speaking for himself, so they don’t try to pin this on you.

Even if they love the ex, their refusal to have one gathering in nine years where you get to be the only one of his wives present is stubborn.

I say this not to shift any responsibility away from your husband, but to spell out he has standing to advocate for you.

Have you asked him why he keeps celebrating with a family that has shown you such chronic disregard? Or, have you not spoken up on your own behalf?

You did frame this as an ex problem – but it’s a marital problem. To be married is to make each other’s interests the equal to your own. Calmly insist on that here.