Have you taken a gander at our presidential candidates? We’re not talking a hatful of winners here, folks. Frankly, I think we have a better shot of finding the next U.S. president from the sports world than the political world.
Here are some reasonable contenders:
Chip Kelly: This nation needs a wakeup call, and the commander-in-chief running a hurry-up offense might be just the tonic to make America great again.
Phil Jackson: I’m not a money guy, but something tells me you can apply the triangle offense to the U.S. economy and fix it.
Roger Goodell: Easy transition from the second-most important job on the globe to the most important job on the globe, but there’s a pay cut.
Steve Ballmer: Donald Trump is always bragging about how rich he is. Please. This guy’s got so much money, he could hire Trump as his butler.
George Foreman: When you cook with his grill, it turns out how you want it 100 times out of 100 – we could use that type of efficiency in government.
Kobe Bryant: This is actually for his own good – I’m afraid if he doesn’t find something to do, he’ll un-retire like Michael Jordan and end up with the Wizards.
Ricky Rubio: Son of hard-working immigrants, I believe. Undoubtedly, citizenship issues will arise.
Victor Cruz: Kinder, gentler half-brother of Ted; he’s proposed a border fence between New York and New Jersey.
Reggie Bush: Expected to run after his cousin Jeb dropped out of the race.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix: The child Hillary and Bill never speak about, he has distanced himself from his famous parents due to political differences.
(Column Intermission: In a delightful only-in-Nevada campaign twist, sex workers at the famed Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City – prostitution is legal in the Silver State – have organized “Hookers for Hillary,” endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. Meanwhile, sources tell Couch Slouch that grass roots opposition is formulating a not-as-well-heeled “Streetwalkers for Sanders” coalition.)
Dennis Rodman: Strong on defense. He can get Madonna to sing at the inaugural ball. And he’s fast friends with the most feared man on the planet, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.
Pete Rose: If the worst thing he ever did was bet in baseball, trust me – in terms of the “character issue” – he is leagues ahead of everyone running for the White House right now.
Jim Nantz: Lock of the century: He opens every State of the Union addressing by saying, “Hello, friends.”
Jerry Jones: It would be expensive, but I kind of dig the idea of a retractable dome at the U.S. Capitol building.
John McEnroe: Are you serious? To be honest – sensibility-wise and temperament-wise – he is a logical running mate for Donald Trump.
Tiger Woods: There are 16 bedrooms in the White House; the King of Swing would not let them go to waste.
Joey Crawford: When push comes to shove in an increasingly dangerous world, you want a guy in the Oval Office who can tee up Vladimir Putin twice in a half.
Floyd Mayweather: Unconventional, for sure, but his insistence of turning the inauguration into a pay-per-view event should help balance the budget.
Sepp Blatter: Excellent background in business and international affairs, plus he’s so corruptible, he’s incorruptible.
O.J. Simpson: Needs parole first, but well-liked on both coasts.
Charles Barkley: A bit of a live wire, but he’s probably our last, best chance to legalize gambling and prostitution.
American Pharoah: Everyone loves a winner.
Ask The Slouch
Q. How can Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh justify holding his team’s spring practice in Florida? (Earl Johnston; Spokane, Wash.)
A. It doubles as an educational trip – his student-athletes, for instance, must do the math on their own to figure out an 18 percent tip at the Hooters in Bradenton.
Q. Are you planning on using the franchise tag on Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One (And Then Some)? (Jeff Dent; South Charleston, W.Va.)
A. If I could just remember our wedding anniversary, that would go a long way in keeping her from leaving.
Q. There will be 1,200 credentialed media at the NFL scouting combine in Indianapolis. What do they do? (Brian Hoffman; Albany, N.Y.)
A. Half check footwork during the 3 cone drill, the other half are in line at St. Elmo Steakhouse.
Q. Since long-range baskets get three points because of the degree of difficulty, shouldn’t free throws by Andre Drummond get at least two? (Perry Beider; Silver Spring, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Will the imminent introduction of fantasy leagues ruin curling? (Tom Martella; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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