Blanchette: Sports movies deserve chance at Oscars
Spoiler alert: Sylvester Stallone is totally winning the Oscar tonight for Best Foreign Language Supporting Actor.
Just a request for whoever produces “Rocky Ocho” next year: can it be dubbed or subtitled? I know Rocky has eaten a lot of leather in these flicks over the years, but apparently there’s one of Apollo Creed’s boxing gloves still lodged in his larynx or his tongue has swollen to the size of Paulie’s head because I can’t make out half of what he’s saying.
I did hear the part where he’s telling Apollo’s kid that he didn’t know what he was doing back in a gym because “I got other plans for my life.” Sly probably needed multiple takes to get that scene in the can because there’s no way he could have kept a straight face the first run-through.
Other plans?
It’s obvious by now that his plan is to keep making Rocky movies until an exasperated screenwriter sneaks a script past a studio head that sees the gallant old pug die eaten in some zombie apocalypse. And even then, he’ll come back in future installments as the Ghost of Rocky Past, investing another odds-against underdog with the courage to scale some competitive-emotional-interpersonal Everest in a Triumph of the Human Spirit ©.
Meanwhile, Sly will have his corpse bronzed in a fighting pose so they can prop him up on Hollywood Boulevard, a continental bookend to the Rocky statue in Philly.
But that’s after he collects the little statue tonight.
This is bound to ramp up the already turgid buzz about the “whites only” Oscars — how in a movie about an African-American fighter and his family legacy and dynamic, the only nominee is the old white guy who’s been playing the same character for four decades.
Me, I’m just happy a sports movie is actually in the hunt for any hardware. Sure, it’s only because Hollywood likes to goober all over itself whenever it comes to “lifetime achievement,” and Sly is this year’s John Wayne. I’m cool with that. I just hope there’s closed captioning for the acceptance speech.
And that goes even if Sly doesn’t win. Because I couldn’t make out what Mark Ruffalo was saying in “Spotlight,” either.
In the meantime, let’s not forget all the sports movies the academy could have feted:
The Revenant — After losing the football season opener to Portland State and being left for dead, Washington State makes it all the way to the Sun Bowl — and wins that. Though nobody much liked that maggot therapy business at the Apple Cup.
Beasts of No Nation — In the fourth quarter of Super Bowl L, Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch tweets out a picture of football cleats dangling by their laces, signaling his retirement from the NFL. Meanwhile, a companion Instragram of Lynch grabbing his crotch goes out to Roger Goodell.
The Big Short — After starting the season with what was called by many as the best front line in America, Gonzaga heads into March needing to win the West Coast Conference tournament to make an 18th straight NCAA appearance.
Far From the Madding Crowd — Just another Wednesday night hockey game at the Arena with the Spokane Chiefs.
Fifty Shades of Grey — Washington State’s football team unveils yet more uniform combinations, all of them with numbers indecipherable from anywhere beyond the fourth row of Martin Stadium.
Straight Outta Compton — The NFL fulfills a two-decade slog to restore a team in the Los Angeles market, only to discover the fine print mandates that the first Super Bowl halftime show in the new stadium be an NWA reunion concert.
The Intern — Blissfully contrary college football playoff apologist Bill Hancock tells ESPN that TV ratings were so abysmal not because the semis were played on New Year’s Eve, but because people went to see the new “Star Wars” movie instead.
Spotlight — USA Today sics an investigative team on whoever it was on its staff that declared the Kibbie Dome’s football game day atmosphere to be among the 10 best stadiums in the country.
The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel — Mike Leach continues to tout Washington State’s Cougar Football Complex as the finest facility in the Pac-12 … and still exports his August training camp to Lewiston at extra expense.
Pawn Sacrifice — Just as he mends fences and revives a yearly series with Washington, Gonzaga coach Mark Few calls a halt to the traditional home-and-home exchange with Washington State, citing strength of schedule concerns or something.
Ex Machina — The Seahawks are on the brink of elimination from the NFL playoffs when in drops the unlikeliest of plot resolutions: Vikings kicker Blair Walsh shanking a 27-yard field goal.
I’ll See You in My Dreams — Idaho president Chuck Staben pleads with the Sun Belt Conference not to send his school packing in a couple of years and, really, why wouldn’t teams want to keep schlepping across the country to Moscow?
The Martian — It’s Bill Walton working another Pac-12 game on TV, and broadcast partner Dave Pasch tries to bring him back to Earth.