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The Slice: When critters say they’re going to the lake

Here are the top 10 cringing midwinter daydreams owners of Inland Northwest lake places have about animals running riot in their waterfront cabins.

10. Raccoon square dance. “Swing your partner!”

9. Cougar fondue party. “Oh, Celeste, take a break from ripping up that couch and come try this. You’ll love it!”

8. Moose and squirrel put on a show. “Hey, Rock! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.”

7. Marmots hold a lodge meeting/dance party. “I move that we explore the cupboards and make ratatouille in the sink.”

6. Skunks shake off their seasonal torpor long enough to complain about the reading material. “Don’t these people have any magazines more recent than 2008?”

5. Mice follow the leader. “C’mon guys, let’s infest the heck out of this place!”

4. Deer kick in the door and break windows. “Hey, Carl – dig this. Turns out I’m a natural vandal. Who knew?”

3. Wolves leave the den long enough to get in somehow and then knock everything over. “Oopsie.”

2. Usually solitary wolverines come together and lay waste to the lake home. “All right, boys. Let’s make some mischief. Then it’s the limbo contest!”

1. Bears use the facilities (not in the woods). “So what’s the deal with this place? Must be a hibernation-break latrine. How convenient. I’ve needed to go for months.”

Just wondering: Do you ever wear your warmest coat?

Slice answers: “Relax, you’re not alone on the Elvis issue and Christmas songs,” wrote Dwight Hume.

(I was convinced I sounded like Elvis when mumbling along with certain holiday tunes. I asked readers what singers they sound like.)

“But I can’t get Bing out of my head all season long as I sing to myself: ‘I’m dreaming of a Dwight Christmas.’ ”

Catherine Short said that after having throat surgery several years ago, she now sounds like Tom Waits when singing.

When you walk through the garden …

She also answered the question about burger-eating styles. “I flip my hamburger over before I eat it,” she wrote. “The weight of the meat and trimmings weaken the lower bun making it fall apart.”

Jeff Neuberger could not disagree more. “Round top up. Who on earth would roll a hamburger over? Unthinkable!”

Today’s Slice question: When listing your financial assets, do you include credit at used book stores?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. I’m declaring today to be Keri Yirak Day in Spokane.

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