The Slice: Sex, drugs and what might have been

Why do you think you grew up to become, well, you, and not a huge rock star?

Fate? Wrong place at the right time? Couldn’t remember the words?

Here are some choices. Feel free to pick one.

A) You set out to write an anthem for your generation but wound up working the graveyard shift. B) Assumed your future manager would turn out to be a crook. C) David Geffen never returned your calls back in the ’70s.

D) Made a decision early on that you did not want to spend all your time fighting with your record label about the publishing rights to your songs. E) Your hair never seemed quite right. F) Didn’t watch that one transformational airing of “Ed Sullivan.”

G) Could never play an instrument. H) Could never hit the high notes. I) Wanted something a bit more stable than to be a part of a band that was always in the process of breaking up.

J) Worried about STDs and having to constantly be taking antibiotics. K) Not eager to be quoted by journalists while high. L) No desire to sing the same greatest hits over and over.

M) Never had any inclination to tear up hotel rooms. N) Did not want to wrangle with your record producer about the amount of echo he’s putting on your voice. O) Speculated when you were 8 that touring would eventually get to be a grind.

P) You had the wrong body type. Q) Was certain when you were 10 that you would grow up be a professional athlete. R) Didn’t have any musical talent and had no desire to spend countless hours practicing. You were mostly just curious about exploring the whole groupies thing.

S) Always thought standing on stage and shouting “Hello, Spokane!” was a bit insipid. T) You once wrote a poignant song about lost love and it made your roommate snort beer out his nose. U) The cost of owning your own jet can be exorbitant.

V) Didn’t want to get your prescriptions mixed up with recreational drugs. W) Your dad insisted you become a business major. X) Lacked the patience to make it to the point where you would be invited to sell out.

Y) You really cared only about making your “Are you diggin’ me?” face while posing for the album cover photos. Z) Other.

Today’s Slice question: Who are this area’s most nearly identical cousins?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. If you are not now hearing the theme from “The Patty Duke Show,” you must be a mere youth.