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Doug Clark: Cpl. Clark is ready to make Spokane great again

Cpl. Clark is back to address the latest local law enforcement distractions.

Q: I figured you’d show up, what with the departmental hanky-panky going on.

Cpl. Clark: You must be talking about Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich’s recent firing of another deputy for having sex on duty.

Q: Deputy Riley Quine?

Cpl. Clark: You are correct, sir.

Q: What’d you think poor Ozzie’s first words were when he heard that one of his guys was supposedly carrying on with a woman he didn’t arrest even though a felony warrant was issued with her name on it?

Cpl. Clark: He said, and I quote: “Oh, Lord. Here we grope again!”

Q: Did the sheriff actually say that?

Cpl. Clark: He would’ve if I were writing Ozzie’s material.

Q: No doubt. But isn’t it a crying shame when all the many good law enforcers have to put up with the occasional clown who can’t control his hormones?

Cpl. Clark: I know how to make a hormone.

Q: We’re not repeating that old joke. You must have some better ones than that.

Cpl. Clark: Good cops preserve the peace. Bad cops prowl for a piece.

Q: That’s better, corporal.

Cpl. Clark: Good cops protect and serve. Bad cops start a dating service.

Q: Amen!

Cpl. Clark: Good cops foster good community relations. Bad cops fib about their relations.

Q: Okay. We get the point. But back to Ozzie, why do you think Spokane Mayor David Condon jilted him?

Cpl. Clark: You mean the mayor not including the sheriff on panels interviewing the police chief candidates?

Q: Yes. It was pretty telling, don’t you think?

Cpl. Clark: Only Sen. Ted Cruz failing to endorse Donald Trump was a bigger snub.

Q: Why do you think Mayor Condon has it in for Ozzie?

Cpl. Clark: Mayor Condon is a small man.

Q: Everybody knows that. But what does the mayor’s lack of altitude have to do with anything?

Cpl. Clark: I wasn’t talking about the mayor’s obvious vertical impairment. I’m talking about thin skin.

Q: Do you mean that Condon is holding a grudge because Ozzie tried to stop him from ramming Frank Straub down our throats?

Cpl. Clark: Bingo! And how did Condon’s pet police chief work out?

Q: Ozzie was right. Straub was a freaking and well-reported disaster. Just like Cpl. Clark predicted too, huh?

Cpl. Clark: Right you are. And now a news story reports that the city’s ethics commission wants Condon to answer allegations that he lied when he said there were no harassment claims against Straub as the mayor announced the police chief’s ouster.

Q: You think the mayor will come clean?

Cpl. Clark: About the same time we have the Riverfront Park Clocktower gold plated.

Q: You are always so cynical about our city government.

Cpl. Clark: Maybe I should run for mayor and make Spokane great again.

Q: Where have I heard that one before?

Cpl. Clark: Dunno. But it’s sure catchy.

Q: Getting back to other issues. Why do you think James Dermody, the Seattle police captain, took himself out of the running for Spokane police chief?

Cpl. Clark: It was inevitable.

Q: How so?

Cpl. Clark: Spokane people migrate to Seattle. Seattle people don’t migrate to Spokane.

Q: Aren’t you overreacting?

Cpl. Clark: No. I heard that from my kids.

Q: When was that?

Cpl. Clark: Right before they moved to Seattle.

Q: So we have two final police chief candidates – Robert Lehner and Dominic Rizzi Jr. – left in the mix. Who will prevail?

Cpl. Clark: I love all Spokane police chiefs, even when they don’t last any longer than my average haircuts.

Q: That must be quick, given your defoliated dome.

Cpl. Clark: Hey, I’ll tell the jokes here, pal.

Q: Sorry. So do you have any last words of wisdom for whoever gets the chief’s job?

Cpl. Clark: Condolence cards will be placed in the foyer of the Public Safety Building for concerned citizens to sign.

Q: Is that because of the email you received from a recently retired Spokane police officer?

Cpl. Clark: Yes. He said: “The poor new chief is going to have his hands full sorting out the top brass mess and dealing with Mayor Condon. I feel like they should be warned.”

Q: And lastly, what do you think of those suspect letters that have been sent to the Spokane County Courthouse?

Cpl. Clark: According to the Twitter crowd, anyone still sending letters these days is suspect.

Q: You’re such an old coot, Cpl. Clark.

Cpl. Clark: Maybe so. But I’m making Spokane great again.

Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or

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