Couch Slouch: Tuffy tells it like it is on Iditarod Trail

It’s called “The Last Great Race on Earth” – no, not the Republican presidential quest – and as the arduous Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race treks on, Tuffy the Snow Prince, the outspoken 55-pound Siberian husky on musher Spoons Grabilovitch’s sled team, again agreed to Couch Slouch’s request to keep a daily log.

Here are excerpts of Tuffy’s Iditarod journal:

Day 1: They hauled in snow for the start of the race in Anchorage – what is this, Disneyland? … I swear I saw a musher load his sled with packages from Amazon…. Mushers better unionize before driverless dog sleds become all the rage…. My longtime vet retired, another Obamacare casualty….It’s tough sledding out here for all of us, but I’ll still take the Iditarod Trail over I-95 any day of the week….

The secret to my speed? Maple syrup.

Day 2: Sundays are special: We get kibble mixed with chicken fat, along with a nice piece of fresh Arctic char….To be honest, I just want to stay in the race longer than Jeb Bush….If pee freezes before water does, we’re all going to have some urinary tract problems….Glad there’s PED testing this year – last year I saw a Siberian “Extra Husky,” if you know what I mean….

Shouldn’t we be on Alaska’s commemorative quarter?

Day 3: Yeah, I’m somewhat ashamed to say that “Snow Dogs” is our “Citizen Kane”….I’d kill for a Motel 6 just one night….Truth be told, this might be the most gaseous group I’ve ever worked with…. They say it’s not gambling, but, hey, SledKings and MusherDuel? Gambling…. Trust me, if Ted Cruz had a dog, that puppy would run away from home….

As Mitch Hedberg used to say, dogs are always in push-up position.

Day 4: This race is the equivalent of running from Pennsylvania to Florida, and all we get are these dollar-store booties. Where’s Nike when you need them?….Toughest part of the trail coming up, Rohn to Nikolai – 75 miles without a fire hydrant….My Uncle Scruffy traveled the minor league sled-dog-race circuit back in the ‘90s – “long days, cold nights and no treats,” he told me….

This year, I’m wearing my “Balto” throwback collar.

Day 5: Believe you me, there’s nothing like an Alaskan malamute making a snow angel…. Oscar Robertson thinks sled dogs were tougher in the old days…. Port-a-Potty could make a killing if it doubled its inventory and worked this baby….I tell the young pups the same thing every year and they ignore me: This is a marathon, not a sprint….

A dog team would’ve gotten Leo DiCaprio away from that bear.

Day 6: In an informal poll of dogs here this week, 71 percent said they’d rather live in a rescue shelter than in a Donald Trump property…Hey, dog owners, we know we’re a “good boy,” okay? We get it. Enough….Gotta love the heated turf at the dog park in Nulato….Don’t believe in global warming? Vegas has a team of Portuguese water dogs at 5-2….

I DVR the Westminster dog show every year just so I can delete it.

Day 7: Yo, mushers, if you’re going to use GPS, can you at least make it a dog’s voice?…Plenty of dogs are fast at the combine, but the Iditarod ain’t held in a dome….Make no bones about it – eventually Uber snowmobiles are going to kill off the dog sled business in Fairbanks….We all rubber-neck when we see a pregnant moose along the way….

For the last time – sleds are pulled by dogs, sleighs are pulled by reindeer.

Day 8: The distance from Kaltag to Unalakleet is 85 miles, or three Steph Curry jump shots….Unalakleet is very quaint, but it sure could use an 7-Eleven….I know it’s not P.C. to say this, but I am embarrassed for the Jamaican dog sled team….Open secret of the canine world: We actually hate when people pet us….Hope the spectator dogs don’t storm the trail….

Nice to see a lot of signs for #BlackLabsMatter.

Day 9: Heard this from a local mutt this morning: “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Juneau.” “Juneau who?” “Juneau who won the Iditarod last year?”

Ask The Slouch

Q. I’m planning to write the University of Maryland and propose they rename the football stadium after you – are there any skeletons in your closet I need to know about? (Steve Schmidt; Schenectady, N.Y.)

A. I used to take the display copy of USA Today out of the vending box so people would think it was sold out.

Q. As March Madness nears, do you think Trump University will finally get an at-large bid to the tournament? (Tom Martella; Washington, D.C.)

A. Even though Trump University declared bankruptcy several years back, I believe it remains on NCAA probation through 2022.

Q. As an undisputed authority in both arenas, could you please let us know when the “dollars to donuts” wager ceases to be a favorable one? (Mark Kulzer; Wynantskill, N.Y.)

A. It’s always a favorable one, particularly when you say, “I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that marriage doesn’t last.”

Q. They just found out the dodo bird is smarter than previously thought. Is that true for hockey fans? (Jim Hayes; Haymarket, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

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