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Sports >  Gonzaga basketball

Blanchette: Need help on your bracket? Trump to the rescue

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is all about March Madness . . . sort of. (Gerald Herbert / Associated Press)
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is all about March Madness . . . sort of. (Gerald Herbert / Associated Press)

Joe Scarborough: “And we’re back on ‘Morning Joe’ and, what a surprise, our friend Donald Trump is joining us via satellite.”

Trump: “Hello, Joe. Good morning, Mika. Just trying to make ‘Morning Joe’ great again.”

JS: “We appreciate it, Mr. President Presumptive. To what do we owe this honor?”

Trump: “Well, we’re such great friends that I thought you’d want me to reveal my bracket on your show.”

Mika Brzezinski: “Your what?”

Trump: “My NCAA tournament bracket. As you know, they let President Obama go on ESPN every year and pick all the tournament games. That Andy Katz fawns all over him like he had his own vodka or something. He should be repairing the trade deficit and making America great again and he’s making basketball predictions. And he never wins. He’s a total loser. He doesn’t know a fraction of what I know about basketball. My picks are legendary. Every year, I’m the most accurate of all those guys, those guys who predict, those …”

JS: “Bracketologists?”

Trump: “I don’t want to talk about health care right now, Joe. I’m ready for March Madness. I coined that term, as you know. I’m probably going to sue the NCAA.”

JS: “Well, OK, let’s get a bracket up here. I guess we’d better start with the play-in games.”

Trump: “The what?”

JS: “The First Four — those early games in Dayton that they had to add when they expanded the field.”

Trump: “I don’t bother with those teams. They’re total losers. I call them Santorums and Huckabees.”

MB: “OK, well, I guess we can just skip those. Let’s look at the South region. Who do you like, Don?”

Trump: “I love Iowa, Mika. And those people love me. Those people want to make America great again, and I think this is a great place to start.”

JS: “But they’re a seventh seed.”

Trump: “And Miami is going to get schlonged just like Obama did to Hillary. That’s little Marco Rubio’s school. Poor little Marco. He’ll be begging to endorse me soon.”

JS: “That’s a pretty good team, Don.”

Trump: “Here’s who has no chance: Hawaii. Total losers. I’m going to demand that anyone from Hawaii has to prove he was born in this country. Produce their birth certificates, Joe. It’s bad enough we let the White House open to someone whose citizenship can’t be validated. We can’t let the same thing happen to the NCAA tournament.”

JS: “But there are lots of foreign players in college basketball, Don. Jakob Poeltl of Utah, Domantas Sabonis of Gonzaga…

Trump: “See, this is the sort of thing I’ve been talking about. We don’t win at trade. Trade we lose to everybody. When do we send our players to overseas markets?”

JS: “Uh, there are actually hundreds playing professionally overseas.”

Trump: “If I’m elected president, we’re going to build a huge wall to keep all those players out. And we’re going to make their countries pay for it.”

MB: “Sorry to interrupt, Don. We have reports there are demonstrators outside your hotel.”

Trump: “Have them shot.”

MB: “Actually, they’re just Saint Mary’s people upset their team wasn’t selected for the tournament. Many of them are Aussies.”

Trump: “ISIS? I’m not surprised. They want to destroy America and they’re starting with this tournament.”

JS: “Maybe we’d better move on to the West region. Do you have an upset special for us?”

Trump: “I don’t like upsets, Joe. I’m a winner, and I like winners who win. War heroes don’t get captured, you know what I mean? But I’m picking against Texas because Jeb Bush went to Texas, and Jeb is a nice man, but he’s weak, and so is his school.”

MB: “Anybody else?”

Trump: “I’ve always been a Duke fan because I admire your brother, Mika. He’s a terrific coach.”

MB: “Uh, that’s Krzyzewski, Don, not Brzezinski.”

JS: “Did you play basketball, Don?”

Trump: “I was a very good basketball player, Joe. Very, very good. Look at my hands, Joe. Are these the hands of a shooter or what? If I hadn’t been so busy building palatial skyscrapers and making deals, I’m sure I would have gone pro. Heel spurs kept me out of the draft.”

JS: “The NBA draft?”

Trump: “That, too.”

MB: “We’re running short on time, Don. Who do you like in that Seton Hall-Gonzaga game? Seton Hall — that’s Chris Christie country.”

Trump: “That guy? He’s a total joke. An absentee governor. He got like three percent of the vote and then called me up and begged to let him endorse me. A complete loser.”

JS: “He’s standing right behind you, Don.”

Trump: “He’s a great part of the team.”

Joe: “So you’re going with Gonzaga in that one?”

Trump: “Absolutely. We’re doing very well with Hispanics — we’re winning every poll.”

JS: “Hispanics? Gonzaga …never mind. Don, gotta wrap this up. Need your winner. Who’s the best school in the field?”

Trump: “Trump University, Joe. We’re going to make the NCAA Tournament great again.”

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