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Doug Clark: Elephants aren’t the Dumbos here in Spokane

Q. What do you get when you cross the Spokane City Council with a herd of pachyderms?

A: A pack-a-dorks.

I’m so proud of our City Council!

In their never-ending quest to make everyone live in their world of sunshine, cotton candy and hot, roasted peanuts, Spokane council members voted 6-1 the other night to ban elephant hooks.

Mark my words: If this doesn’t prove how insightful our City Council is, nothing will.

Before Councilwoman Lori Kinnear forced this issue upon us, why, I would’ve bet 500 bucks that at least 5 out of every 4 Spokane residents didn’t know we even had a problem with elephant hooks.

Elephant hooks, by the way, resemble sharp-tipped fireplace pokers. They’re used to control circus elephants and to mitigate fistfights between protesters at Donald Trump rallies.

Sadly, in the rush to transform us into becoming much more enlightened human beings, Kinnear and her comrades failed to go far enough.

Had our leaders really cared about these large and lumbering creatures, they would have surely widened their ban to include elephant jokes.

Q: In elephant terms, what is Spokane’s left-wing City Council best known for?

A: Dumbo Jumbo.

This is all about elephant shaming, people.

These silly so-called jokes are incredibly hurtful. They objectify elephants and make them look like stumbling, bumbling cartoon buffoons.

And yet, the Internet abounds with websites that contain hundreds upon hundreds of insulting elephant jokes.

Q: Why does the elephant patch the potholes?

A: Because the Spokane City Council’s too busy saving the world.

What must the elephants think?

Council President Ben Stuckart, just before casting his vote in favor of Kinnear’s ordinance, noted that his research showed elephants to be so advanced that they even grieve for deceased family members.

Of course they do.

Elephants have also been known to send flowers and condolence cards and even pay for obituary notices that are published in fine local papers like the one you’re reading now.

“Elmer Babar, 74, died of cardiac arrest at home Sunday when he was frightened by a mouse. Born in the Bronx Zoo, Babar leaves behind a son, Stampy, and Horton, his life partner of 10 years. Services will be held …”

With elephants being such Einsteins, it stands to reason they would be emotionally embittered by these juvenile excuses for humor.

Q: What do you call replacing the Spokane City Council with elephants?

A: A vast improvement.

The question is whether the council will muster the courage to add an anti-elephant joke amendment to their anti-elephant hook ordinance.

Sure, it might cost more money in time, legal memorandums and consultations with psychics.

But since when has our council given any serious consideration when it comes to spending the taxpayer’s dough?

Always willing to comply with the law, I’ve already put my elephant hooks away in a locked gun safe.

Hopefully, we can do the same with elephant jokes before they cause any more bruised feelings.

Remember that an elephant’s memory is longer than its trunk. Studies show that once an elephant hears an elephant joke, he’s 54 percent more likely to leave home and run away to join the circus.

Q: How would an elephant describe Kinnear’s anti-elephant hook ordinance?

A: Irrelephant to the max!

Q: What’s bigger than a bull elephant?

A: The Spokane City Council president’s sense of self.

Q: Where would an elephant sit on the City Council?

A: Give him Mike Fagan’s seat, for all the good his vote does anymore.

Q: What does the elephant say to a naked councilman?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Please! We need to stop this sophomoric nonsense and the elephant jokes before they get out of hand.

Q: What’s that red jelly between the elephant’s toes?

A: A slow-moving council member who didn’t have an elephant hook for defense.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at

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