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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Couch Slouch: Sports world gone mad for Donald Trump

Washington State football coach Mike Leach is among long list of sports figures who have spoken in support of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. Leach was with Trump in Spokane last Saturday. (Ted S. Warren / Associated Press)

If you ever set foot in a Donald Trump casino, you would never lend a hand to a Donald Trump campaign. But we’ll get back to his gambling properties later – first, let’s look at the remarkable support he is getting from the sports world’s most contemptible characters.

Among those endorsing Trump for president:

John Daly, Mike Ditka, Lou Holtz, Richie Incognito, Bobby Knight, Mike Leach, Terrell Owens, John Rocker, Dennis Rodman, Pete Rose, Rex Ryan, Latrell Sprewell, Mike Tyson and Dana White.

Now, that’s a hatful of humanity, no?

P.S. I held a séance last week, and Ty Cobb phoned in his pledge of support for Trump.

Trump somehow has rounded up a Hall of Shame rogue’s gallery of every sports blockhead, loudmouth and ne’er-do-well east and west of Trump International Hotel & Tower Chicago.

(Speaking of which, you may recall that last year Ditka called Barack Obama the “worst president we’ve ever had.” Well, in 1992 when he worked for NBC, I called Ditka the “worst NFL studio analyst we’ve ever had.”)

Herschel Walker also supports Trump, but in that case, I’m assuming Trump still owes him money from his USFL days and Walker doesn’t want to bite the hand that feeds him.

Meanwhile, Mark Cuban, one bombastic businessman/reality TV star to another, is a big admirer of Trump. Cuban and Trump unmistakably share a single quality – they look in the mirror every 15 minutes and always like what they see.

It also should be noted that the Patriots’ troika of royalty, Robert Kraft, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, all are on friendly terms with Trump; in regard to crimes against mankind, this should put Deflategate somewhat in perspective.

Trump’s hold on sports boobs and rubes even extends to the sports media. Just last week he was endorsed by Mike Francesa, the delusional, despotic New York sports-talk radio host; Trump and Francesa first met, I believe, at a Demagogue’s Anonymous meeting in 1999.

(Disclosure: I am a registered independent and hardly ever vote for either major-party candidate in presidential elections. To put it in March Madness terms, I’m always backing Murray State.)

Anyway, without judging Trump on his politics – though I have trouble deciphering this statement he just made: “We have great relationships with many foreign countries, but they have to respect us…And you know it’s a two-way street. And the two-way street means that we’re going down one side and they’re coming up the other” – I will judge him on his casinos.

They’re awful.

Frankly, if you can’t run a casino, I doubt you can run a country.

(I do remember, fondly, walking through the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City 10 years ago. Near one of the restrooms was a cigarette machine – a pack of cigarettes was $8.50, and it took quarters only. Hmm, I thought, a cigarette slot machine! And like the real slots, you’re a guaranteed loser.)

Trump’s gambling establishments have one big thing in common with the America he wants to make great again – they both operate around the clock in debt.

His casinos all have a worn-out look. They offer few amenities. They are joyless palaces of lost hope. And, eventually, they go bust.

The thing is, even though Trump is backed by a lot of tough-guy winners, like Ditka and Knight and Tyson, he traffics in massive losses. Trump casinos, Trump Airlines, Trump University – all belly up.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: When Donald Trump buys a book, he only reads Chapter 11.

Trump also bought a team – Walker’s New Jersey Generals – in the aforementioned United States Football League, and while the venture was likely to fail, he made it fail faster.

Then again, Trump must know a little something about a little something.

Why else would Couch Slouch just have gone online to buy a Success by Trump Deodorant Stick and Success by Trump Eau de Toilette Spray? Boy oh boy, the scent of Trump Fragrances – you might not have a nickel to your name, but it makes you smell like a billion bucks.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Curt Schilling is thinking about charging fans to watch Periscope broadcasts of his commentary during baseball games. You first in line for that one, Slouch? (David Decker; Indianapolis)

A. I wouldn’t pay to listen to my own commentary during baseball games. Good luck, Curt.

Q. Michael Phelps just became a dad. Any words of wisdom? (Mark Cohn; Arlington Heights, Ill.)

A. I am reminded of what Jon Stewart once said: “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

Q. Did either of your first two marriages end in “walk-offs”? (Kendall Hayes; Woodbridge, Va.)

A. Actually, both of my ex-spouses sort of “ran off.”

Q. When Johnny Manziel moves into high-density public housing, does he automatically lose his right to vote for the next Heisman winner? (Richard Brown; Accokeek, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!