Couch Slouch offers more easy fixes to make NFL better

There are two documents that dominate American life in matters small and large – the Constitution and the two-point conversion chart. The former is fundamentally sound and widely revered if somewhat flawed; the latter is just flawed.

Welcome to another edition of What Is Wrong With The NFL, in which we detail various ills, defects, blemishes and deficiencies surrounding our favorite Sunday – and Monday and Thursday – pastime:

(As a courtesy to long-time readers, this column will be entirely replay-free.)

Coaches have next-to-no idea when to go for two points. You should not go for two points unless you have to or unless your kicker is Blair Walsh. Now, there is a whole, newfangled analytics set out there that disagrees with this, to which I would respectfully say:

Fiddlesticks.

At summer camp in Martinsburg, W.Va., in 1969, I learned two things:

1. You never want to chase points early in a game.

2. You never want to chase fireflies early in the evening.

P.S. Frankly, if it were up to me, I’d eliminate the kicking element altogether – including field goals – and just PLAY BALL. This is one area in which Couch Slouch and the alt-right crowd have common ground – undoubtedly, those folks favor deporting all kickers.

Stop going for it on fourth down when you shouldn’t go for it on fourth down. Yes, sometimes you still should punt and, yes, sometimes you should settle for a field goal. Alas, coaches like “making a statement,” even if the statement is, “We don’t like winning.”

The last time I checked, they keep track of the score, and the team with the higher total at game’s end is declared the victor, so I wouldn’t sneeze at the occasional three points. Of course, there is a whole, newfangled analytics set out there that disagrees with this, to which I would respectfully say:

Balderdash.

P.S. If you go for fourth down when you shouldn’t and fail, bad things immediately occur. This is precisely what happened to Napoleon Bonaparte in 1812.

How is it possible they almost never get the pass-interference call correct? It’s incredible they keep screwing this up, because it is the biggest penalty on the books – in the NFL, they spot the ball at the point of the infraction, so pass-interference fouls often result in 30- and 40-yard advances.

Yet again and again, they flag ticky-tacky, or even phantom, contact, and they overlook obvious muggings. I mean, I have seen defensive backs pull at a receiver’s jersey, dislodge his helmet and shave his head with a pair of pruning shears, and there is no call.

Now, in defense of this ongoing injustice, let me pose this question:

How come a multitude of NFL game officials are over the age of 60? In essence, we are asking senior citizens to run up and down the field tracking world-class athletes and make split-second judgments. How are they not exhausted by the second quarter?

While I am a staunch believer that we should not toss aside our older workers, this would be one of the few occupational areas where it seems preferable to employ younger workers, i.e., fit 28-year-olds who aren’t applying for Medicare.

P.S. Speaking of officiating antiquities, the chain gang makes the parking meter look high-tech.

Please take viewers out of their misery by removing CBS’s “The NFL Today” from viewing distance. “The NFL Today” is the “Gigli” of studio pregame shows – you can’t figure out how it ever made it onto the screen.

I’d imagine host James Brown sometimes texts his “Fox NFL Sunday” counterpart Curt Menefee: “How come you got those guys and I got these guys?”

These guys are Bill Cowher, Norman Esiason, Tony Gonzalez and Bart Scott; if that group made up the cast of “Hamilton,” the show would’ve closed inside of a week.

By the way, there is nothing ever wrong with Tom Brady. He could be sore-kneed and in Positano,y on Friday and complete 26 of 37 passes for 309 yards and three touchdowns on Sunday.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Every so often NBA officials put time back on the game clock – the Toronto Raptors lost a game last week because officials took time off the clock. Does The Slouch want to live in an America where this can happen? (Chris Hauser; Toronto)

A. The NBA Replay Center in Secaucus, N.J., would’ve reversed evolution because of a game-clock error.

Q. If we did away with college football, what would Americans do on Saturday? (Michael Kolb; Spokane, Wash.)

A. With or without college football on Saturday, I think they’re still eating Pringles.

Q. If President-elect Donald Trump truly wanted to commit his business empire to a “blind trust,” shouldn’t he just transfer it to the Cleveland Browns organization for administration? (Steve Hintyesz; Spokane, Wash.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Many years from now, will the 2016 election become known as “The Fumble?” (Roger Strauss; Silver Spring, Md.)

A. Pay this wise soul, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!