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Doug Clark: Here are some debates I’d prefer to Clinton vs. Trump II
Television viewers will tune in by the millions to watch combatants defame and tell lies about each other.
But as the nation girds its loins for Clinton/Trump II (aka “The Hooey in St. Louis”) on Oct. 9, a thought came to mind.
There are a lot of other great debates that I’d pay good money to see. Take, for example, these national and local matchups.
BOUT 1: Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson vs. a fifth-grade geography student.
STUDENT – “My opponent’s so dumb he probably can’t name which country has the Great Wall of China.”
JOHNSON – “Ooh. That’s a tough one. Great Wall. Great Wall. Don’t tell me. It’s, um …”
FIFTH-GRADER – “Told ya.”
JOHNSON – “No, really. I’m just having another brain freeze.”
FIFTH-GRADER – “More like a cerebral ice storm if you ask me, Gary.”
BOUT 2: WSU football coach Mike Leach vs. Pullman cops.
LEACH – “So if you guys aren’t profiling, why do my poor Cougs keep getting busted?”
COP – “Well, being 6-foot-8 and weighing 400 pounds does tend to stand out in a surveillance video.”
LEACH – “Aw, you sound like a dang buncha Husky fans.”
COP – “Coach, you should try getting your players to be as mean and nasty on the field as they are during happy hour. You’d win a lot more games that way.”
BOUT 3: Angelina Jolie vs. Brad Pitt vs. Jennifer Aniston.
JOLIE – Brad, you are a philandering drunk stoner. Really, how could you cheat on a smoking hot babe like me?
PITT – Well, you know. Things happen.”
ANISTON – “Hello kettle. Pot calling.”
BOUT 4: New Spokane police Chief Craig Meidl vs. ex-Chief Frank Straub.
MEIDL – “The SPD is a phenomenal organization. And I can’t tell you how excited I am to be leading our phenomenal officers to a phenomenal future.”
STRAUB – “I think he means phenomenal union cronies. Just wait, Craig. One day the mayor will love you. Next day you’re lower than a puddle of puke in a holding cell.”
BOUT 5: First-term Spokane Mayor David Condon vs. second-term Mayor David Condon.
BOY MAYOR – “I have so much love for Spokane. I know I can make such a difference in this wonderful City of Choice.”
SECOND-TERM MAYOR – “Davey, stop being an idealistic little twerp. Just wait ’til they try to recall you and hit you with an ethics complaint. Then you’ll learn.”
BOY MAYOR – “Don’t be bitter old David. Here, have a Condon Coin.”
SECOND-TERM MAYOR – “How ’bout you take your Condon Coins and stick ’em where the sun don’t shine?”
BOUT 6: Anthony Weiner vs. Apple CEO Tim Cook.
WEINER – “Your cellphone cameras make it simply too easy for individuals who share my, um, photographic proclivities.”
COOK – “Our wonderful devices are for preserving a spectacular sunset or capturing a toddler’s smile. Nobody wants to see your wiener, Weiner.”
BOUT 7: Dr. Cliff Huxtable vs. Bill Cosby.
DR. HUXTABLE – “Oh, Bill. What have you done to our sterling reputations?”
COSBY – “On the advice of our attorney, we can’t answer that question.”
DR. HUXTABLE – “But you’ve ruined us, Bill. Don’t you have anything to say?”
COSBY – “ ‘Hey. Hey. Heeeyyy!!’ That used to work for Fat Albert.”
BOUT 8: Avista vs. ratepayers.
AVISTA – “Our latest energy report card shows that you’re not keeping up with your more environmentally concerned neighbors.”
RATEPAYERS – “What? I’m barely keeping my house warm. Who are these mysterious neighbors, anyway?”
AVISTA – “Sounds like somebody’s cruising for another rate increase.”
BOUT 9: Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich vs. state Rep. Matt Shea.
OZZIE – “On what evidence did you try to link my department to a triple murder?”
SHEA – “Evidence? I don’t deal in evidence. Like just about everything that comes out of my mouth, this was a completely unfounded rumor that somebody told somebody who eventually told me.”
OZZIE – (Thwaapp!!) “Speculate on my knuckle sandwich, you wing-nut.”
MODERATOR – “Mr. Shea is out cold. Looks like this great debate is over.”
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.