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Doug Clark: Read of my bitter struggle for survival. In flip-flops. On the South Hill.

Doug Clark journeying across the South Hill to his daughter’s house after foolishly locking himself out recently. Either that, or a file photo provided by Twentieth Century Fox of Leonardo DiCaprio as Hugh Glass in a scene from “The Revenant.” (Courtesy Twentieth Century Fox via AP)

Whether you know it or not, we’re all just a brain cramp away from winding up in a pajama-clad struggle for survival.

I learned this frightening lesson early Tuesday morning after a quick trip outside to add the gnawed remains of last night’s chicken dinner to the garbage.

“Oh, crap!”

The front door handle wouldn’t budge.

Oh, that’s right. I had set it on lock, a fact forgotten in the pre-caffeine fog of morning.

It took a moment for my keyless reality to sink in. I circled the house, jiggling all the sliding doors that I always forget to lock.

Except for this time, wouldn’t you know it.

I had to face the music. My home was locked up tighter than Hillary Clinton’s medical files.

Here’s the thing about an early morning run to the trash.

You don’t have to look your best.

I went out wearing pretty much what I wore to bed: saggy black sweatpants, lightweight gray hoodie with faded Beatles logo and flip-flops over bare feet that were already turning to ice in the damp autumn chill.

Too proud to pound on the doors of my neighbors, I could think of only one way out of this fix.

I’ll flip-flop the mile or so west to where my daughter lives and get the spare key she has to my home.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking:

“A mile or so? Clark, you weenie! Anyone can walk that far.”

I wasn’t planning to announce this until later, but I’m scheduled for a total right-knee replacement in November. The left knee will receive equal treatment sometime after that.

My knees are so bad that I can barely walk through a shopping mall without looking like John Wayne with hemorrhoids.

But then I got to thinking about everything Leonardo DiCaprio went through in “The Revenant.”

The poor actor had to get attacked by a bear and then crawled over 100 miles in order to win his first Academy Award. It was an incredible feat of thespian desperation.

“If Leo can do it, so can I,” I told myself as I set out on a journey that eerily mirrors the movie.

Revenant Leo – Quest begins after being mauled by grizzly.

Keyless Doug – Stubs toe on curb and curses loudly.

Revenant Leo – Obsessed with taking revenge on those who left him for dead.

Keyless Doug – Thoughts of warm bathroom propel me onward.

Revenant Leo – Survives on diet of whatever can be caught with bare hands.

Keyless Doug – Garbage day offers rows of full cans for foraging.

Revenant Leo – Hide of dead bear provides warmth and shelter.

Keyless Doug – Shabby attire creates new South Hill derelict look.

Revenant Leo – Hides from Indian enemies out to kill him.

Keyless Doug – On constant alert for creepy clowns.

Revenant Leo – Torn throat makes speaking impossible.

Keyless Doug – Embarrassment makes eye contact impossible.

Revenant Leo – Eats raw meat from dead bison.

Keyless Doug – Passes thundering herd of elderly female power walkers.

Revenant Leo – Parched and dehydrated from constant thirst.

Keyless Doug – Considers freshening up in homeowner’s decorative waterfall.

Revenant Leo – Heartbroken over memories of lost loved ones.

Keyless Doug – Longs for cup of coffee now growing cold back home.

Revenant Leo – Tumbles head over heels in rushing river.

Keyless Doug – First droplets of rain cause panic attack.

Revenant Leo – Keeps moving one foot after another.

Keyless Doug – Keeps reaching for cellphone that isn’t there.

Revenant Leo – Finally achieves bloody revenge satisfaction.

Keyless Doug – Daughter, Emily, opens door exclaiming, “What in the world are you doing here so early?”

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.

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