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Doug Clark: The swami offers political predictions and predicaments
Once again I have shed my portly visage and appear to you today in my transcendental state as Clarnak the Magnanimous, the voice of treason, the conduit for all wisdom and solver of life’s most vexing enigmas.
Picture me, if you will, in a shock-orange turban and sequined loincloth.
OK, those of you who are still here can sit back and watch in amazement as I now answer 17 important riddles that you haven’t even thought of yet.
Ala-Kazam!
Let the sorcery pilfered from a certain late-great TV talk show host begin.
RIDDLE 1 – Mr. Clean, Scrubbing Bubbles, Dial soap, Lysol, bleach and a hazmat team.
CLARNAK: What it will take to wash out Donald Trump’s porno mouth.
RIDDLE 2 – Welcome aboard, Chief Meidl!
CLARNAK: Four words you’ll never hear coming out of Spokane City Councilwoman Karen Stratton’s mouth.
RIDDLE 3 – Bill Gates. Bill O’Reilly. Bill Buckley.
CLARNAK: Name three Bills with better odds of becoming Washington’s next governor than Republican candidate Bill Bryant.
RIDDLE 4 – A Persian rug. A sleeping dog.
CLARNAK: The only two things on Earth that might possibly lie more than Hillary Clinton.
RIDDLE 5 – Bamboozled by a Con(don) job.
CLARNAK: How Mayor David Condon got the City Council to confirm Craig Meidl, one of the cops who saluted Karl Thompson, as Spokane’s new police chief.
RIDDLE 6 – Dazed and Confused.
CLARNAK – What it’s like to be Matt Shea.
RIDDLE 7 – The biggest October Surprise of all.
CLARNAK: Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrate their 41st wedding anniversary.
RIDDLE 8 – Post Traumatic Debate Syndrome.
CLARNAK: The disease nine out of every 10 Americans have contracted this election year.
RIDDLE 9 – What is the “unspecified conduct violation” being cited for why the University of Idaho suspended the Delta Sigma Phi fraternity?
CLARNAK: A case of Vandalism, perhaps?
RIDDLE 10 – The long and grinding road.
CLARNAK: Where drivers wind up if they foolishly attempt to navigate downtown Spokane.
RIDDLE 11 – Just another Average Joe.
CLARNAK: Fifth Congressional District Democratic candidate Joe Pakootas on the morning after the Nov. 8 election.
RIDDLE 12 – The more things change, the more they stay the same.
CLARNAK: It’s another strikeout year for the post-season-allergic Seattle Mariners.
RIDDLE 13 – Zombies, bloodsuckers and creepy clowns – Oh, My!
CLARNAK: The Spokane City Council meets every Monday night at City Hall.
RIDDLE 14 – The Inhaled Empire.
CLARNAK: Welcome to the green, green legal grass of home.
RIDDLE 15 – Down a marmot hole.
CLARNAK: A better place to put the $38,000 Spokane spent on finding a replacement for ousted police Chief Frank Straub.
RIDDLE 16 – Men behaving badly.
CLARNAK: Or the WSU football roster, as it was once called.
RIDDLE 17 – Grime, slime and acting like a swine.
CLARNAK: More Trump tapes coming soon to a flat-screen TV near you.
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.