Carolyn Hax: Girlfriend does more commuting than boyfriend
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I were doing long-distance for a while, and a few months ago he moved to D.C. We live 20 to 45 minutes away from each other, depending on traffic. Currently, I spend about four or five nights a week at his place, while he has only been to my place to hang out a handful of times.
I’ve brought it up a couple of times, asking him to either come over after work so I don’t always have to go to his place, or one night a week he can sleep here, but nothing has changed. His excuses range from, “I have a dog I need to take care of,” to, “You have a Metro card and it’s easier than me driving into D.C.”
While I completely understand he needs to take care of his dog, I feel like he is not listening to me when I ask him to at least come over for dinner and then head home. Am I being too sensitive? I just wish it were more equal.
I know this matter is probably trivial in the grand scheme of things, but I feel like he doesn’t listen.
– Apartment Probs
Stop going over there.
Not as a test of his love or loyalty or effort, though. Not only is that annoying and manipulative, it’s also not necessarily a source of useful information about him. He has his dog, he’s going to go home after work. You have your answer on that. And really, you want him to jump at your Plan B, leaving Scruffy to chill for another three hours unwalked?
The answers you’re looking for instead are about you. Specifically: Is what you get from the relationship worth the frustration of doing most of the work?
Is there a fundamental way you get along (or got along) that brought you together in the first place? Is there any of that left? Is there enough?
Does his not offering a Plan C make a difference? Does it say he’s OK with your doing most of the work?
Is this who-stays-where issue just a rerun of the long-distance, who-travels-where issue? Did you travel more then, too? Is this what you talked about then, too?
What comes after being told it’s “easier” for him to let you do the schlepping? Did he move to D.C. for you? Does that have any bearing here?
And, is anything ever “trivial” when it leaves you feeling bad?
This decision not to spend four or five nights a week on the road doesn’t have to be dramatic. Go to work, go home, go to work, go home. No sighs, guilt or games. Say the old arrangement was bothering you so you’re trying something different, say you’ll see him this weekend, then stay home with your thoughts. Sometimes not having is the only way to judge what you have.
Dear Carolyn: I have a mom-friend with a little girl near my daughter’s age. Every time we get together, my mom-friend makes comments about how she wishes her daughter were more like mine, or less needy, or more fearless. Her little girl is only 18 months!
I am bothered not only because she says these things in front of her daughter, but also because I see some of my mom in her and myself in the daughter. This little girl would thrive with a more supportive mom, but I just see a future of insecurity for her (much like mine).
Other than saying things like, “She’s a great baby as she is,” is there anything I can say? It makes me so upset.
– Mom Friend
“I was a lot like your daughter.”
In one stroke, you demonstrate that you understand – and that you won’t take too kindly to her keeping up these complaints.
And you position yourself as someone with insight on what does and doesn’t work for a child who is by nature a little less outgoing than her peers. If you invite her to use you as a resource, then you’ll offer a pointed bookend to your shutting her down on the criticism: “If you ever want to talk about what did and didn’t help me come out of my shell, I’m happy to share what I know.”
You can ask her leading questions, too, like, “Have you thought about ways to help her?” “Have you tried (blank)?”
Your friend might need time to get used to rethinking her complaints. When she makes another “I wish she were some version of a different child from the one she actually is” remark, you can remind her kindly what you wish your mother had known, without spelling out that’s what you’re doing because that’s way too guilt-trippy: “Remember, I was that kid. She’ll get her confidence from you: Notice what she’s good at and pretty soon she’ll agree.”
And if it comes to this, which I hope it doesn’t: “Please stop. I know she hears you because my mother said the same things.”
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