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Norman Chad: Gift ideas for people you don’t care about

Need a gift for someone who always wins and always whines? Couch Slouch suggests the Nick Saban Official Alabama Roll Tears Crying Towel. (David J. Phillip / AP)
Need a gift for someone who always wins and always whines? Couch Slouch suggests the Nick Saban Official Alabama Roll Tears Crying Towel. (David J. Phillip / AP)
By Norman Chad Syndicated columnist

Oprah Winfrey has been making America great – and making herself great – for many years.

One of the most remarkable, self-made success stories of our time, Oprah is reportedly worth $3 billion; that’s a lot of Ben Franklins for someone who would’ve been slave labor in Ben Franklin’s time. Three billion! Let me tell you how big of a figure that is – if you take a zero off of that number, it’s still $300 million.

Oprah’s fabulous wealth informs her annual “Oprah’s Favorite Things,” her well-intended but unintentionally hilarious holiday primer on gift giving. She’s been publishing her list for 20 years, and for 20 years I’ve asked myself, “Do I really want to spend $125 on a white faux-fur explorer’s hat?”

When you’ve got your own TV network in your own name and your own magazine in your own name – in which you are on the cover each month – I guess it’s no surprise that the first item on your gift list is your own book. Yes, Oprah’s recently released “The Wisdom of Sundays: Life-Changing Insights from Super Soul Conversations” is her top gift suggestion.

(Coincidentally, I just published my latest book, “The Wisdom of Sundays: Life-Changing Insights from Jay Cutler’s 155 Career Interceptions.”)

Among Oprah’s other recommended gifts:

* A set of four scented candles ($199) “formulated to recreate the ambiance of four incredible restaurants: Bouchon, Ad Hoc, The French Laundry and Per Se.” Heck, for $1.99, I’ll give you an unscented flashlight to take on your next visit to Red Lobster.

* Five pounds of organic wild blueberries ($50) from Josh Pond Farm in Maine. I’ll be honest with you: I would walk to Maine and pick the fruit myself before I’d pay five sawbucks for five pounds of stinkin’ wild blueberries.

* A lunchbox ($69), which she calls a “modular food storage container.” Uh, no – it’s A LUNCHBOX, with nothing in it, not even blueberries.

“Oprah’s Favorite Things,” it states on the website, “is the gift guide for the people you care about in your life.”

“Couch Slouch’s Favorite Things,” of course, is the gift guide for the people you don’t care about in your life.

Here’s a sampling:

Roger Goodell NAO Evolution Robot. With mechanical ease, can literally operate as a major sports-league commissioner; recognizes shapes, people and voices. Lifetime guarantee.

Jerry Jones Ginsu Chikara Stainless Steel Knife Set. When there’s someone very, very, very powerful you want to stab in the back.

Nick Saban Official Alabama Roll Tears Crying Towel. For someone who always wins and always whines.

Floyd Mayweather H&R Block Tax Software Deluxe. Five easy online steps to not paying the IRS a dime (well, until they make you).

Classic Twister Game, UNC No-Show Edition. Contort yourself in myriad compromising positions, but, ultimately, emerge unharmed and unscathed.

LaVar Ball Ceiling Mirror & Indoor Reflecting Pool. For the person in your life who just can’t get enough of themselves.

Clay Travis Pyle Megaphone PA Speaker Bullhorn with Built-in Siren. When you’ve got something stupid to say every day and want to make sure everyone can hear you.

Grayson Allen Nike Zoom Assersion Men’s Basketball Shoes. The best footwear for tripping-on-the-go.

FiveThirtyEight Hasbro Ouija Board Game. The old-fashioned analytical way to be right some of the time.

Rick Pitino Contoured Sleep Mask by Bedtime Bliss. Allows restful, see-no-evil/hear-no-evil slumber 365 nights a year.

Colin Kaepernick Memory Foam Lumbar Support Back Cushion & Manduka Yoga Mat. If you’re going to kneel, why not kneel in comfort?

Ryan Fitzpatrick Viking Expedition 16-Inch World Globe. Track all of your career stops at your fingertips.

Skip Bayless/Stephen A. Smith Bose QuietComfort 20 Noise-Cancelling Headphones. For any time you’re within earshot of a bloviating blowhard.

Ask The Slouch

Q. When sea levels increase by 2 feet in the coming years, will Mile High Stadium be required to be renamed “5,278 Foot High Stadium” to be politically correct? (Dale Billman; Indianapolis)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q Is it possible to apply the NFL RedZone channel system of showing scoring plays to seeing any highlights of Tyler Perry movies? (Jim O’Brien; Racine, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Wouldn’t it be in everyone’s best interests if ESPN paid P.J. Carlesimo in throat lozenges? (Scott Shuster; Newton, Mass.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Will Tom Brady defer his Social Security payments until after his playing career? (Roger Strauss; Silver Spring, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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