Today, The Slice presents the transcript of an exclusive interview with a Spokane man who prayed for snow days back when he was in the third grade.
As always, you won’t believe what he had to say.
Slice: So you literally prayed for snow days?
Spokane Man: Oh, yes. I did everything but burn incense and sacrifice goats.
Slice: So you really hated school?
Spokane Man: No, not really. That was never the point. A snow day was like an unexpected weekend or unplanned holiday. Its appeal transcended one’s attitude about scholastic endeavors.
Slice: What religion were you raised in?
Spokane Man: When it came to snow days, I was a pantheist.
Slice: Are you aware that kids today think they invented praying for a snow day?
Spokane Man: I am aware that kids today are wrong about many things.
Slice: Did you ever try to make a deal with God in exchange for a snow day?
Spokane Man: Of course.
Slice: What did you offer as your part of the bargain?
Spokane Man: I promised I would clean up my room.
Slice: What usually happened?
Spokane Man: I had to go to school.
Slice: What lesson did you learn?
Spokane Man: God didn’t care if my room was a mess.
Slice: How did you react to heavy snowfall during Christmas break?
Spokane Man: That’s when I first started to entertain atheism.
Slice: You are aware, aren’t you, that more mothers stayed home back when you were a child? Snow days cause more disruption now.
Spokane Man: I was not concerned with demographic shifts within the workforce. I just wanted to go sledding.
Slice: Were you worried that in missing a day of school you might fall behind Russian kids?
Spokane Man: Nyet.
Slice: Ever try a special snow day dance?
Spokane Man: No, but my sister did. I think because she wore Go-Go boots, her snow day dance looked a lot like The Pony.
Slice: Were Go-Go boots appropriate winter footwear?
Spokane Man: Look, as soon as I figure out God, I’ll start trying to figure out girls.
Slice: Thanks for your time.
Spokane Man: Happy New Year.
Today’s Slice question: When do you start saying “See you next year”?
Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email email@example.com. Name a song with “New Year’s” in the title and “newspapers” in the lyrics.