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Opinion >  Column

The Slice: You’ve gotta have faith

Today, The Slice presents the transcript of an exclusive interview with a Spokane man who prayed for snow days back when he was in the third grade.

As always, you won’t believe what he had to say.

Slice: So you literally prayed for snow days?

Spokane Man: Oh, yes. I did everything but burn incense and sacrifice goats.

Slice: So you really hated school?

Spokane Man: No, not really. That was never the point. A snow day was like an unexpected weekend or unplanned holiday. Its appeal transcended one’s attitude about scholastic endeavors.

Slice: What religion were you raised in?

Spokane Man: When it came to snow days, I was a pantheist.

Slice: Are you aware that kids today think they invented praying for a snow day?

Spokane Man: I am aware that kids today are wrong about many things.

Slice: Did you ever try to make a deal with God in exchange for a snow day?

Spokane Man: Of course.

Slice: What did you offer as your part of the bargain?

Spokane Man: I promised I would clean up my room.

Slice: What usually happened?

Spokane Man: I had to go to school.

Slice: What lesson did you learn?

Spokane Man: God didn’t care if my room was a mess.

Slice: How did you react to heavy snowfall during Christmas break?

Spokane Man: That’s when I first started to entertain atheism.

Slice: You are aware, aren’t you, that more mothers stayed home back when you were a child? Snow days cause more disruption now.

Spokane Man: I was not concerned with demographic shifts within the workforce. I just wanted to go sledding.

Slice: Were you worried that in missing a day of school you might fall behind Russian kids?

Spokane Man: Nyet.

Slice: Ever try a special snow day dance?

Spokane Man: No, but my sister did. I think because she wore Go-Go boots, her snow day dance looked a lot like The Pony.

Slice: Were Go-Go boots appropriate winter footwear?

Spokane Man: Look, as soon as I figure out God, I’ll start trying to figure out girls.

Slice: Thanks for your time.

Spokane Man: Happy New Year.

Today’s Slice question: When do you start saying “See you next year”?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Name a song with “New Year’s” in the title and “newspapers” in the lyrics.

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