Before we get to today’s “How Freaking Fed Up with the Winter of 2017 Are You?” quiz, a story of survival torn from the pages of real life:
On Friday, after the first of several weekend snow dumps, I went outside to clear the latest avalanche covering my driveway, and fell down hard in a runaway snow-thrower* mishap.
(*A caller left a voicemail message the other day to complain that we newspaper scribes are consistently using the wrong term when we write “snow-blower.” The correct term, he claimed, is “snow-thrower.”)
The good news is that the knee I landed on was the left and NOT my new bionic right knee, which was recently implanted in a well-documented surgical ordeal.
The bad news is that I also bruised at least two McRibs during this unplanned landing.
After examining the accident, the FAA blamed the crash on pilot error. I believe, however, that further review will prove that my Toro, um, snow-tosser, took off on its own and yanked me down, with malice.
But do you want to hear the saddest thing about my near-death experience?
Sprawled on the snow like a sun-tanning sea lion, more helpless than John Podesta on election night, all I could think about was …
Did some cellphone-wielding neighbor capture my humiliation to put on YouTube for the entire universe to guffaw at?
And what, I ask, does this say about the sick voyeuristic world in which we live?
I don’t know. But while you’re mulling that over, feel free to take the aforementioned quiz.
Simply circle the answer that best fits the scope of your winter contempt. We’ll tally our scores at the end.
1. This winter we’re having reminds me of …
A. The Winter of ’69. (2 igloos)
B. Ice Storm ’96. (5 igloos)
C. The 1914 Shackleton Expedition. (10 igloos)
2. I got so cold driving home the other night that I …
A. Stopped for a hot chocolate. (2 igloos)
B. Shivered like a wet spaniel. (5 igloos)
C. Tore open a hand warmer and snorted the contents. (10 igloos)
3. Finish the following phrase: “Now is the winter” …
A. Of our discontent. (2 igloos)
B. Of my frostbitten appendage. (5 igloos)
C. I began eyeing my coworkers as a potential source of protein. (10 igloos)
4. This long, glacial period proves scientifically that …
A. Climate change is real. (2 igloos)
B. Global warming was misnamed. (5 igloos)
C. God has a twisted sense of humor. (10 igloos)
5. During the last blizzard, I nearly wept at the rare sight of …
A. A foraging moose. (2 igloos)
B. The abominable snowman. (5 igloos)
C. An elusive Spokane snowplow. (10 igloos)
6. Your best chance of seeing green grass again will be …
A. During spring break. (2 igloos)
B. In a Home Show exhibit. (5 igloos)
C. At the Sativa Sisters pot shop. (10 igloos)
7. The wisest preparation I made before winter was …
A. Buying a new pair of Sorel boots. (2 igloos)
B. Weather-stripping all my doors and windows. (5 igloos)
C. Leasing a condo in Maui. (10 igloos)
8. Which winter character do you most identify with?
A. Anna in “Frozen.” (2 igloos)
B. Will Ferrell in “Elf.” (5 igloos)
C. Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” (10 igloos)
9. Who gets the biggest kick out of such a cold and protracted winter?
A. School children who enjoy all the snow days. (2 igloos)
B. Skiers who glide down the glistening mountainsides. (5 igloos)
C. Avaricious executives who prance gleefully around the Avista headquarters. (10 igloos)
10. It’s obvious from Monday’s big melt that …
A. Warmer days are here again! (2 igloos)
B. Your basement better have a working sump pump. (5 igloos)
C. It’s a setup. The next Ice Age starts Friday. (10 igloos)
All right. Time to count our igloos.
A score of 25 or fewer shows you’re one of those winter lovers who doesn’t care how miserable the rest of us might be.
To quote Foreigner, “You’re as cold as ice” and “willing to sacrifice our love.”
Scoring 26 to 55 shows that this damnable winter is getting to you. Find the nearest hot tub. Take a good long soak. By April you should be back to normal.
A score of 56 on up to a perfect score of 100 means you’re wound tighter than the Atlanta Falcons fan base.
Avoid sharp objects, firearms and alcohol.
And whatever you do, don’t go near a Toro snow-flinger without a lot of padding.