The Slice: Tackling the Tour de South Hill

You probably have been meaning to ask.

“Paul, what are the key differences between the Tour de France bicycle race and your slow bike ride home up the South Hill every weekday?”

OK, I’ll tell you.

20. Young women wearing a lot of makeup seldom air-kiss me and hand me stuffed animals at the conclusion of my ride.

19. There usually isn’t Champagne.

18. No one has ever referred to me and a neighborhood kid on a trike as “the peloton.”

17. No one rides directly ahead of me to cut wind resistance.

16. The Tour cyclists go fast.

15. To the best of my knowledge, there are no rumors about me taking performance enhancing drugs. Well, unless you count Claritin-D.

14. My name is easy to pronounce. And my only colorful nickname is restricted to private use.

13. The architecture along my route is not especially noteworthy.

12. Very few crashes.

11. I usually wear clothes you might actually see in real life.

10. No exciting sprint finishes.

9. Even if it requires some effort, no one would describe the stretch of Adams from 17th up to 20th as a “mountain stage.”

8. My reliable old bike probably weighs more than 10 tour bikes taken together.

7. If some guy in a car hands me a water bottle, there are no race officials monitoring how long I hold onto the bottle while it’s still in his grasp, thus getting an illegal boost from the car.

6. If I get a flat, there is no support crew to swoop in and take care of it.

5. Drunken spectators in festive attire rarely crowd around and exhort me to “allez, allez.”

4. My back-up bike is home in my garage, not on a car following closely behind.

3. The Tour riders are fitter than I have ever dreamed of being (except for upper body strength) and their ability to endure prolonged suffering is astonishing.

2. I have never needed to take a “natural break” on my bike ride home. Though I did once in the predawn darkness back when I walked to work. The less said about that, the better.

1. I have forgotten most of the French I learned in high school.

Today’s Slice question: Do you worry about your home being broken into while you are away on vacation?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. But it’s a dry heat.