Doug Clark: The robots are coming for our jobs, even us newspeople

I hate to always be the breaker of bad news, but we’re all about to be put out of work by robots.

Just this week, in fact, two reports about the coming robotic takeover appeared in this fine newspaper.

“What labor shortage?” shouted one headline. “Robot apple pickers on the way.”

This is a sad moment for the Apple State.

Soon the Tin Man will be up on ladders, picking our trademark crop and stealing jobs from our upstanding illegal farm workers.

Meanwhile to the east, the news is just as calamitous.

Members of the House Transportation Committee this week approved a bill giving “personal delivery robots” the right to travel on Idaho sidewalks.

So riding a skateboard on a Coeur d’Alene sidewalk is still punishable by death. Yet R2-D2 can trip up the lunch rush to Hudson’s Hamburgers – and that’s perfectly legal.

But the most disturbing revelation regarding this robot insurrection arrived in an email that bore the headline: “The 5 Jobs Robots Will Take First.”

I scanned the story, barely paying much attention until a certain word popped up.

“Journalists.”

Uh-oh.

According to tech writer Shelly Palmer, people in my sketchy line of work are among the third category that greedy robots have their cold unblinking eyes on.

“Machines can be taught to read data, pattern match images or video, or analyze almost any kind of research materials and create a very readable (or announceable) writing,” wrote Palmer, who later added a dire warning:

“You know that great American novel you’ve been planning to write? Start now, before the machines take a creative writing class.”

Joseph Pulitzer in a gravy boat!

I’ll be honest. I’ve long suspected that creepy robots had infiltrated my profession.

NBC Dateline’s Keith Morrison, for example.

But now it looks like even my days are numbered.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, look at all the once-beloved icons that have been rendered obsolete by the crush of technology.

Vinyl records, eight-track tape decks, the Ronco Pocket Fisherman, Tito Jackson.

I could go on and on. Still, I wonder. What would a robot Doug be like?

Hmm.

Robo Doug – Never needs oiling.

Regular Doug – Generally well lubricated after 5 p.m.

Robo Doug – Able to receive streaming data via Bluetooth, cellular or WiFi.

Regular Doug – Netflix, Showtime and HBO on demand!

Robo Doug – Can communicate in 17 languages.

Regular Doug – Took TV German in grade school.

Robo Doug – Solar panels.

Regular Doug – Love handles.

Robo Doug – Motors easily accessed for cleaning.

Regular Doug – Showers every other day, at least.

Robo Doug – Operating system state-of-the-art.

Regular Doug – State of confusion par for course.

Robo Doug – Always on time.

Regular Doug – ‘Time’ is a magazine.

Robo Doug – Follows instructions to the letter.

Regular Doug – Kicked the work habit years ago.

Robo Doug – Operates ‘round the clock with no need for overtime.

Regular Doug – Often writes at home with no need for pants.

Robo Doug – Never complains.

Regular Doug – Bite me.

Robo Doug – Has internal GPS mapping system.

Regular Doug – Still adjusting to new bionic knee.

Robo Doug – Can travel 10 miles before recharging battery.

Regular Doug – Two cups of Starbuck’s Verona needed every morning before eyes will open.

Robo Doug – Has vocabulary of over 70,000 words.

Regular Doug – Knows all the words to “Just Like Tom Thumb’s Blues.”

Robo Doug – Voice activated.

Regular Doug – Barely motivated.

Robo Doug – Auto-sleep mode saves energy when not in use.

Regular Doug – Known to doze off, sometimes in mid-sente …