The express lane to my early retirement on Easy Street appeared in this fine newspaper the other day on our Business page.
I don’t normally read the business page, what with being a lifelong “buy high – sell low” sort of guy, and all. But a small headline caught my eye as I was ruffling through the pages to see how the Yankees* were doing.
*As of Wednesday, my Yanks were just a half-game behind first place Baltimore in the American League East. So bite me, Seattle Loserville!
Anyway, the headline in question read: “Neiman Marcus sells $1,425 torn sneaker.”
First thought was that this was a bargain. If said tattered sneak was game-worn and autographed by Michael Jordan or Steph Curry, that is.
But, no! As I discovered to my schlock and awe, this was just the latest example of America’s hot new “grime-added” mercantile fad.
Nordstrom, once known for its upscale, scum-free products, recently started peddling pre-fouled “Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans” for only $425.
These things look like you’d just lost a “catch the running piglet” contest at a county fair.
According to Nordstrom’s website, its defiled denim embodies “rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.”
Down and dirty. Yeah, that’s what I think of whenever I wander into Nordstrom to buy my overpriced beard lube.
And now Neiman Marcus, one of the nation’s most elitist and condescending purveyors of unnecessary and haughty goods, is offering pairs of sliced and diced white-and-yellow Maison Margiela tennis shoes for more than what many people plop as a down payment on a decent car.
I looked at a photograph of these near-$1,500 sneakers. They look like practice toys for when Michael Vick’s pit bulls ran out of live poodles.
What? Too soon?
Anyway, the more I read, the more my entrepreneurial juices began to flow. I know when opportunity knocks me aside the head.
I ran upstairs to look in my closets, and …
Doug’s Dirty Deals was born.
And have I got some great dirty deals for you! Check out these exciting offerings from my new Spring Grime Lineup.
1. One dirt-infused tan canvas Carhartt jacket with unexplained odd bleach stain on right front pocket.
The soiling is guaranteed to have taken place during my Old Man’s efforts to pay my brother’s college tuition by raising zucchinis on my grandparent’s South Hill acreage and then selling the produce to local grocery stores.
In other words, this is real working-man dirt, not some dubious fake stains added for Nordstrom at a factory in China.
And my father’s jacket can be yours for just $473.99.
2. One pair of slightly rumpled red-white-and-blue Adidas running shoes. This, the same patriotic footwear that was worn by me in my only Bloomsday appearance.
You may recall that I ran really fast for a few blocks and then straight into the Spokane Club bar, where I sat down at a window and drank bloody Mary cocktails while watching the silly runners go by.
A complete steal at a mere $399.99. ($499.99 with columnist autograph.)
3. Hold onto your bleacher seats, sports fans!
I offer you the Lands’ End replica 1951 Mickey Mantle jersey that I got as a 40th birthday present.
It comes with Mick’s number on the back, classic NY logo on the front and a tragic latte stain that won’t come out no matter how many times I send it to the cleaners.
Highway robbery at a trifling $777.77.
4. One pair of saggy Levi’s owned by yours truly. Jeans are frayed at the cuffs from years of traipsing around Spokane City Hall and being lied to by mayors, council members and other pompous bloodsuckers.
A can’t-miss opportunity at $666.95.
5. One pair of vintage scuffed suede Beatle boots, circa 1964. The boots, with zipper in the back, were purchased at Spokane’s landmark 2 Swabbies store and worn onstage with “The People Upstairs,” the high school band I was in, at various crappy low-paying gigs like the Fairchild Air Force Base Officer’s Club.
Yeah-yeah-yeah! They’ll make your dogs totally fab, at only $1,269.22.
So call me at the number below. Place your order. Every offer will be entertained, if not scoffed at.
If you’re lucky, we’ll arrange to meet in a dark alley to exchange my swag for your cash.
And stay tuned for more Doug’s Dirty Deals.
Thanks to an arrangement with a major cheap motel chain we’ll soon be releasing my summer line of authentic used and pre-stained mattresses.
Put that in your Neiman and smoke it, Marcus.