MISS MANNERS: Rebuff stepmother’s needless speculation

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I took relatives out to brunch. During our conversation, we were talking about my niece’s new job and her search for a nanny to watch both her baby and a friend’s. My stepmother remarked twice that she couldn’t tell if the other child was a boy or a girl.

Later, after one of the servers freshened our drinks, she commented that she couldn’t tell if the server was male or female. And she repeated it. I responded, with a look of puzzlement, that the server was female.

I’m disappointed that I didn’t have a better response to what was a rude and poisonous remark. This woman often drops offensive, butter-wouldn’t-melt negative judgments that are personal, political or class-based.

Do you have suggestions for handling this gracefully (not my strongest point) while communicating that it’s not OK, at least around me? Complicating matters is that my father is elderly, and I’m the only child near him.

GENTLE READER: Life must be getting more interesting for your stepmother, with her fascination with strangers’ gender identities. There are so many more now to choose among.

Miss Manners is given to understand that there are people who consider “What is your pronoun?” a polite question, although there are others with whom she would not advise trying it.

In any case, asking people directly should be on a need-to-know basis. (Small babies are an exception. Unless they have bows tied on their bald heads, it is considered legitimate to ask, as there are so few conversation openers with them.)

But if your stepmother is merely speculating privately and you find it annoying, you need only murmur, “I didn’t notice.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommates think it is OK to eat asparagus with their hands. However, I believe this looks childish and that asparagus should be eaten with a knife and fork. Is it really a finger food?

GENTLE READER: Yes, it really is. Every once in a while, etiquette likes to shock people, and this will do it. However, as it offends you, you can invest in asparagus tongs. Miss Manners assures you that seeing what look like small silver forceps on the dinner table will produce an equal amount of shock.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A 30-year-old member of our family died eight months ago. A relative held a wedding this month.

Although the couple was not acquainted with the deceased, many of the family were, and had attended his memorial. Knowing how complicated wedding preparations are, what might be the proper way to go forward (or not) with a wedding so close to a family death?

GENTLE READER: The rule is not to require that weddings be suspended – but that rule dates from the time when a wedding consisted chiefly of a ceremony and not a festive (and, as you say, complicated) pageant.

With the bridal couple not knowing the deceased, Miss Manners sees no reason for them to postpone the wedding. In that spirit, some more directly bereaved family members might have chosen to attend the ceremony but not the related festivities.