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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Miss Manners: Humor and brevity can deflect nosy questions

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin Andrews McMeel Syndication

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a (relatively) large family with five children, in an area where zero to two children is considered normal. Often when we’re out, or in a social setting where we have just introduced ourselves, people will ask whether we are done having children.

To me, that’s really none of their business. I don’t ask about their reproductive health. What would be a good reply?

GENTLE READER: “Well, for today, yes.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A year ago, two lovely girls were killed in a car accident in our neighborhood. This was of course very sad, and people brought flowers, balloons and such to the site of the accident. This seemed appropriate.

But now, a year later, the families are still bringing stuff to the site, and one family is planning to erect a permanent marker there. This seems to me like overkill. It seems to me like the gravesites would be the right places to bring remembrances. Or am I unfeeling? I’m sure Miss Manners will let me know.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but she would share your reluctance to let the bereaved families know. Contrary to the popular belief in “closure,” there is no time limit on such grief.

Why commemoration should take the form of balloons (and often teddy bears, even for grownup victims), Miss Manners has never quite understood. But again — if it brings comfort, she will not complain.

However, endless focusing on the site of the accident strikes her as an unfortunate way to memorialize two lovely young girls. Surely there was more to remember about their lives than the tragedy of their deaths.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was not invited to my niece’s birthday party. No invitation was sent to myself or my husband because of problems within the family.

Were we wrong for not going to the party that we were not formally invited to? We did not want to show up uninvited and have more problems start at my poor little niece’s party. If we were invited we would have gone.

GENTLE READER: Will you be surprised to hear that Miss Manners does not consider it wrong to refrain from crashing a party to which you were not invited?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I went to dinner with our daughter, granddaughters and daughter’s boyfriend. My husband paid the bill. After leaving the restaurant, I received a text from our daughter’s boyfriend (he has never sent a text to my husband), saying “Sorry, tell your hubby thank you for dinner, please.”

I felt that to be a chauvinistic response, since it was technically both my husband’s and my money paying for the dinner. Where was my thank-you? I felt he should have said “I’m sorry, I forgot to thank you and Jason for dinner. Please pass this on to Jason.”

Am I wrong or overreacting?

GENTLE READER: You might consider overreacting if your daughter is thinking of marrying this person. He seems to think that it is only the husband who represents the family in dispensing hospitality. Miss Manners does not consider it relevant where the money came from or who actually paid the bill.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.