Dear Annie: Leaving after years of abuse

Dear Annie: When my youngest son graduates high school, I plan on leaving my husband.

My husband, “Bill,” and I have two sons. My husband has refused to discipline either of them. He’s always allowed the elder son (age 20) to curse me out and make my life a living hell, as well as bully his little brother. Bill has often been dismissive and verbally abusive toward me, too. Bill is a veritable saint to every other human, yet talks very poorly about those who admire him. No one except for my sons and me knows what really goes on behind closed doors.

I’ve repeatedly told my elder son he has slowly killed my love for him over the years. I never dreamed I would be spoken to in such a vile manner. I have always taught him right from wrong, but his dad is the greater influence, it seems. I try not to speak to my son now unless he speaks to me first.

Right now, I have no funds, but around the time when my youngest son graduates, I will be able to draw my pension. As soon as I have my own funds, I plan to seek counseling – for myself and for my sons, if they will go. My husband does not believe in such “nonsense” as counseling and rarely allows me more than a few dollars for personal use.

Do old dogs ever learn new tricks? Do verbally abusive people ever change or even regret their actions? I feel that being away from both of them, even with a meager pension, will be better than the hell I feel stuck in. – Waiting for May

Dear Waiting for May: I am so sorry that you’ve been treated terribly by two people who should have treated you with love and respect. It’s not uncommon for children of emotionally or physically abusive parents to repeat those behaviors as they grow up. I hope your son seeks help to purge the toxic behavior he’s internalized.

To answer your question, it’s possible for abusers to regret their actions and change – but victims can’t count on it. I think you’re wise to move out. It will be healthier not only for you but also for your other son, who should know that it’s never too late to leave a bad situation.

Covertly speak to a lawyer soon so you can begin making your plans. Follow through on seeking counseling once you’re able, and encourage your younger son to do the same.