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Couch Slouch: If our forefathers had used analytics we wouldn’t be here

UPDATED: Mon., Dec. 10, 2018

Since the analytics guys believe the acquisition of Robinson Cano, pictured, and Edwin Diaz mean six or seven more wins for the New York Mets next season Couch Slouch wonders whey they even bother to play the games. (Richard Drew / AP)
Since the analytics guys believe the acquisition of Robinson Cano, pictured, and Edwin Diaz mean six or seven more wins for the New York Mets next season Couch Slouch wonders whey they even bother to play the games. (Richard Drew / AP)

Okay, this is the level of discourse we’re going to have today, and if it isn’t your cup of tea, go drink some oolong elsewhere:

Analytics, shmanalytics.

Sabermetrics, shmabermetrics.

Algorithms, shmalgorithms.

Couch Slouch has had it up to his fourth metacarpal bone in his left hand with the geek freaks taking over sports.

The new-age analytics wonks have the sense of humor of a lactose-intolerant porcupine.

Last week, new Philadelphia Flyers assistant coach Rick Wilson, indicating he leans old school, playfully said, “I … have my own computer (pointing to his head), my video is here (pointing to his eyes) and I guess my analytics is my gut (pointing to his stomach).”

Social media reacted as if Wilson was a flat-earther who had kidnapped the Lindbergh baby*, and social media declared the Flyers NHL-dead due to last-century thinking.

*Actually, social media would have no idea who the Lindbergh baby is unless he showed up in an NFL mock draft.

Wilson, 68, was simply pointing out that his old-fashioned sensibilities might complement the Flyers’ newfangled analytics approach.

Meanwhile, the New York Mets just acquired second baseman Robinson Cano and relief pitcher Edwin Diaz, prompting team COO Jeff Wilpon to declare, “I think the analytics guys said this took us from an 82-83 win team to an 88-90 win team. If we do a couple of more things, maybe we could be potentially 90-plus.”

Oh, really?

Why do they play the games anymore? Just run simulations and declare a champion!

Baseball’s offseason used to be called the hot stove league. Now it’s called the MIT Sloan Sports Analytics Conference.

The new normal not only has teams pieced together almost entirely through analytics research, but every in-game move is predicated on high-level numbers crunching. Technology has brought us driverless cars; next up, manager-less teams.

Who needs Earl Weaver in the dugout when you’ve got a Stanford grad in the box suite?

Team chemistry? So 1999.

By the way, is there a metric to measure how Cano and new teammate Yoenis Cespedes loaf to first base after hitting an infield grounder? These guys only run hard to the bank.

Analytics and intangibles are mutually exclusive.

Analytics acts like a science, but it’s not as precise as, say, meteorology. Sports can be analyzed, but it can’t be solved by analytics.

Heck, analytics projected my first marriage to last 52 years; it was only off by 48 years, seven months and 16 1/2 days. But I will say this: Launch angle came in handy on my second honeymoon night.

Analytics doesn’t account for the fact that a racehorse might wake up one morning and just not feel like running that day, even though post time is at 2:20 p.m.

Anyway, we appear to be approaching the day in which a baseball manager is replaced by a touchscreen, like they’re doing now at McDonald’s.

Speaking of which, when the I visit the Golden Arches, I want to look a pimply teenager in the eye as I order my quarter pounder with cheese – the food tastes better.

Besides, human contact is responsible for 97 percent of the world’s delights; the other three percent is plumbing.

If analytics were around 242 years ago, there might not even be a good ol’ U.S. of A., because it would’ve been mathematically determined that we wait until autumn to declare our independence and complete the revolution in less-humid climes than, say, the Fourth of July, and by that time the British might’ve found a few more soldiers at a Nottingham cobbler’s shop to send over to quell the insurgents.

Which means we’d all be eating McKidney Pies at this very moment.

My goodness, I’m rooting for the Flyers to win the Stanley Cup.

Ask The Slouch

Q. You chose two NFL Teams of Destiny for 2018, both of which have about the same chance of making the playoffs as you becoming a Skip Bayless fan. Did you choose those two teams to increase your odds of being wrong again? (Kim Hemphill; South Riding, Va.)

A. Yes, I took the Colts and the Buccaneers. Frankly, I don’t like the tone of this question.

Q. I don’t follow football but I see my son’s Virginia Tech is eligible for a bowl at 6-6. You are 1-2 in marriages – what bowl are you eligible for? (Chuck Smith; Woodbridge, Va.)

A. I, too, need to go at least .500 in marriages to be bowl-eligible, and I’m not sure how that can work out logistically at this point. Frankly, I don’t like the tone of this question, either.

Q. Urban Meyer just retired from coaching. Where do you think he will coach next? (Anthony Young; Spokane)

A. Actually, if the Secretary of Education job opens up, he might dive into that first.

Q. Now with two R*dsk*ns quarterbacks having broken legs, can we assume that Daniel Snyder has actually pissed off the Mafia, and not just his fan base? (Pete Paganussi; Oakton, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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