Miss Manners: Guest worries about flouting bride’s wardrobe edicts

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m invited to a wedding where the bride sent out three colors she is requesting the guests to wear. If I don’t have a gray dress (one of her colors) but instead wear a blue-gray dress, am I OK?

GENTLE READER: If your friend is bossy enough to dictate what colors her guests wear, she will likely have opinions about specific shades.

Miss Manners gives you license to wear whatever hue you like. She further urges brides to remember that they are not the directors of cinematography in award-hopeful films, but hostesses who would do well not to annoy their audience – er, guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost my dear husband a mere two weeks ago, and am having a very rough time, as his death was sudden. We were a same-sex couple, together 18 years and married for four, and went through a lot together.

After some years of financial difficulty, we came into some money, which enabled us to get and furnish a small home. My husband also bought a nice computer, and a nice wardrobe.

Friends have taken to inquiring about what I am going to do with his nice clothes, even saying they would be happy to help me go through them. They also ask if I am going to remain in our home, while seeming to eye our newly acquired possessions. They say they want to “honor him.”

Some also drop by unannounced to “check on” me. I am still at a stage where I often prefer to be alone in my grief, undisturbed. They say they understand, but continue to intrude. If I do not answer the door, some will even bang on my windows to make sure I am OK.

It’s driving me to distraction. How can I politely tell them that I will reach out to them when I am ready, but to please not pester me?

GENTLE READER: You are under no obligation to entertain unannounced visitors. Or, Miss Manners assures you, to tolerate rude requests to unburden you from your possessions. You have her permission to tell them, “Thank you, but I am afraid that I am busy at the moment. Perhaps we can schedule a time to visit at a later date,” resisting the addition of, “or for you to honor us by rummaging through our things.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I both have successful careers, yet his parents continue to treat us like the poor relations.

We invited them over for a casual meal of hamburgers and salad on the porch, and when they walked in the door, his mother handed my husband $10 and told him it was to offset the cost of the meal.

My husband and I looked at each other, flabbergasted. Neither of us knew how to respond. I was horrified, but I think he thanked her and told her she was being silly.

Miss Manners, I was extremely insulted. Is there a proper response to this behavior next time?

GENTLE READER: “Thank you. I will be sure to tip the chef.”