Paul Turner: Could you be 2018’s Inland Northwest Bald Man of the Year?

Today we set about identifying the 2018 Inland Northwest Bald Man of the Year.

The winner of this coveted title will be a local gentleman who possesses these four attributes:

1. Unapologetically bald. Believes that if you judge him harshly because of his lack of hair, you must be astonishingly shallow.

2. Thoroughly disdains the cantilevered hairstyle contortions the president of the United States goes to in an attempt to mask his obvious baldness. Considers himself the true stable genius because his own attitude can be summarized as “I’m bald: It doesn’t bother me, so it shouldn’t bother you.”

3. Has a peace of mind/sense of humor about his chrome dome.

4. Be of good character and have no outstanding warrants.

So, could you be the INWBMOTY?

To nominate yourself, simply answer the following questions and submit your responses. (Contact info at end of the column.) A select panel of bald judges will name our winner.

1. Do you smile to yourself when you hear people refer to having a “bad hair day”?

2. Have you tried products intended to curtail hair loss? Ever worn a toupee? How about that spray-on stuff that looks like something an auto body shop would use?

3. Do you believe masculine sex appeal is defined not by having a bushy pelt atop your head but by intelligence, humor and kindness?

4. When you first noticed your hairline was in full retreat, how did you react?

A) Grace and quiet dignity. B) Panicked shrieking. C) Denial. D) A sigh.

5. Do you wear a ballcap to avoid sunburn but not as a psychological crutch?

6. How did you make your decision about shaving your head/not shaving your head?

7. Do you lose bowel control because someone on Twitter reported a possible celebrity sighting in Coeur d’Alene? (OK, that doesn’t really have anything to do with baldness. Some things just bug me.)

8. How old were you when you looked around at your male relatives and figured out how the genetic cards had been dealt?

9. How would you rate the Spokane area when it comes to hair-centricity?

10. When you see yourself in dreams, do you still have hair?

11. Do you subscribe to the theory that baldness implies impressive things about your virility?

12. Do you think your baldness makes you, in any way, a more substantial, less superficial person?

13. What is the single stupidest thing people say to you because you have lost your hair?

14. What would you be willing to do to have your hair back?

15. How old were you when your hair started coming out in clumps?

16. Do you have a prom picture that reminds you there are worse looks than baldness?

17. What is the No. 1 advantage to being bald? (Other than being in a fistfight and feeling your about-to-be-pummeled opponent unsuccessfully attempt to grab a handful of your hair.)

18. Have you ever said, “Yes, well, I’d rather not have hair than suffer from male-pattern idiocy”?

19. What goes through your mind when you see someone going to Trumpian lengths to pretend he is not bald?

A) Get real, brother. B) Poor insecure sap. C) To each his own. D) Oh, I am totally fooled, man. Gimmee a break.

20. What did going bald teach you about yourself?

21. Can you identify an occasion when being bald helped save the day?

Today’s theory

For those who were not born here, I think the Spokane area seems most like itself during the time of year of the newcomers’ arrivals.

That is, if you moved here in January, Spokane seems most like Spokane during winter. And so on.

Agree or disagree?

Way up South

Does the simple fact that in Spokane you go up to go south throw anyone else for a loop?

I blame any lingering confusion on the traditional notion of north as “up.”

But maybe it’s just me. So nevermind.

The ears have it

Do your ears pop when going from downtown to, say, 29th Avenue?

Mine do, but not consistently.

Still, do you have any idea how mind-blowing that in-town altitude change can be to visitors from flat cities?