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Opinion >  Column

The Slice: Zen and the art of Spokane yard maintenance

OK, it’s the first Saturday of spring.

What better occasion to ask the following.

What if you decided to take a lackadaisical approach to yard work this year?

Here are your choices.

A) The world as we know it would come to an end. B) You will lose all respect for yourself. C) You will not be able to yell “Get off my lawn!” with quite the same level of righteous indignation.

D) How would that be different from any other year? E) You would deprive yourself of the deep psychological satisfaction and agrarian self-actualization that comes with faithfully tending to your land. F) You would find yourself facing an existential dilemma: Can I express my inner Spokanehood if I don’t obsess about the yard, or are there other means of self-expression available to me?

G) Your children/grandchildren will become deeply concerned that you have lost your raison d’etre. H) The godless forces of Global Socialism will march forward unimpeded by your lapsed adherence to a yard-based free-markets values system. I) Just don’t call it xeriscaping.

J) It would trigger a cascading collapse of neighborhood property values. K) Your spouse will stare at your eyes and ask “Who are you?” L) Squirrels and birds will do impressions of Jed Clampett shaking his head and saying “pit-i-ful.”

M) Donald Trump will still be president. N) Chances are, no one will notice. O) Dandelions will run riot through your yard.

P) It will make it sound even more silly than usual when you refer to your kids/grandkids as “the hands.” Q) People will assume you are waiting for the Rapture. R) Your cat will be embarrassed for you.

S) Laos, Cambodia and Thailand will topple like dominoes. T) Those who actually know you and care about you will conclude you are cultivating other interests. U) Neighbors will assume you are using “The Think System” of lawn care, inspired by “The Music Man.”

W) Family and neighbors will get together to stage a lawn intervention. X) One of your high school coaches will stop by and give you a fiery pep talk.

Y) There’s always 2019. Z) Other.

Today’s Slice question: What did you do when you were young that now makes you think you are lucky to be alive?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email What were the circumstances when a photograph of you appeared in The Spokesman-Review?

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