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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883
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Couch Slouch still trying to get grip on televised sports

Whether Tiger Woods is playing or not, Couch Slouch refuses to watch golf on TV. (Stephen M. Dowell / AP)
Whether Tiger Woods is playing or not, Couch Slouch refuses to watch golf on TV. (Stephen M. Dowell / AP)

These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

1. If the future of sports viewing is millennials watching 90-second video clips on YouTube, cricket is in a world of hurt.

2. I can’t wait for the XFL to return – that’s another three hours a week I can go to Walden Pond with a bag of Fritos.

3. Of all the University of Maryland broadcasting alum, Scott Van Pelt might be my favorite.

4. On the other hand, in the shallow end of the Terp wading pond, there is Norman Esiason.

5. To pay for those commercial spots, doesn’t Geico have to charge customers more for car insurance?

6. Here’s what I don’t get about figure skating on TV – they essentially are dancing to music; it’s an artistic presentation. So why would announcers blather and babble throughout the performance? If you were at a Kendrick Lamar concert and the person next to you kept riffing about chord changes before the bridge during “All The Stars,” wouldn’t you eventually crack him upside the head?

7. eSports is all the rage now – those fellas are like poker players, only worse dressed.

(Column Intermission I: Stepson of Destiny Isaiah Eisendorf’s stellar senior season – 11.5 points and 5.5 rebounds a game, 56.2 field-goal percentage, 42.9 percent on 3s, 78.3 percent on free throws – ended as Le Moyne was beaten in the Division II Elite Eight by West Texas A&M, 87-73. What’s next for Isaiah? I assume he’ll sleep for two months, wake up and ask for French toast.)

8. How come the brilliant John Oliver is only on HBO on Sundays? What does he do the rest of the week, daily fantasy?

9. I woke up in a dead sweat the other night from a dream in which I was the sideline reporter at a pantomime competition.

10. ESPN has purchased Fox’s regional sports networks, which would be like the Cheesecake Factory absorbing TGI Fridays’ appetizer menu.

11. The best way to watch baseball in 3-D is to go to a game stoned.

12. When I was watching the NBA as an 8-year-old, my father would come in and tell me you only had to tune in to the final two minutes of the game. I thought he was a crotchety old fool then; now I realize he was a crotchety old genius.

12a. Then again, what my dad didn’t anticipate was that one day the final two minutes would take 20 minutes to play.

13. Frankly, social services should rescue Molly Qerim and Joy Taylor.

14. I record Pro Bowlers Tour events and watch them after midnight; if Jason Belmonte makes the telecast, I pause it, chill a six-pack of Yuengling and wait until 4 a.m. to take in the beauty.

15. Never bought in to the curling craze, though I remain a big fan of “Hazel.”

(Column Intermission II: I did inquire to Isaiah about his college career-ending loss; he declined comment, asked for the car keys and walked out. Frankly, he needs to improve his interview skills; perhaps he’ll give better answers next year when he’s playing basketball professionally in, say, Sri Lanka.)

16. I consider ESPN’s somewhat talented Jeremy Schaap a friend, particularly since he never talks to me.

17. Best thing about my Olympics boycott? I don’t miss an episode of “The Price Is Right.”

18. The Smithsonian Institution has petitioned CBS for the network’s library of “The NFL Today” broadcasts for its “longest-running worst programming” exhibit at the National Museum of American History.

19. Here’s the Tiger Effect for me: Whether or not he’s playing, I will not watch golf on TV.

20. I’d rather be in a maximum-security prison watching truTV than in a minimum-security prison watching “TMZ Sports.”

21. The win probability percentage ESPN displays in-game is about as useful as the ECO driving indicator on your dashboard.

22. There appears to be too much college basketball on TV; I believe I first noticed this in 1986.

23. Jon Gruden’s nine-year run on “Monday Night Football” has ended. There were no survivors.

Ask The Slouch

Q. After what the NCAA Tournament wins produced for Loyola Chicago, will John Calipari recruit a “one-and-done nun”? (Lyndon Wilkes; Takoma Park, Md.)

A. This would explain Coach Cal climbing the steps to the Taung Kalat monastery in Burma the day after the Kansas State loss.

Q. Any idea who will be leaving Washington, D.C., first: Bryce Harper, John Wall or Donald Trump, and will draft picks or cash be involved? (Jim Meehan; Ashton, Md.)

A. If it’s POTUS, there seldom is cash involved – more likely a bankruptcy or an NDA.

Q. Can you tell me what dialect of English Bill Raftery speaks? (Joe Leginus; Silver Spring, Md.)

A. “Rafterese” is actually a sublime cross between English and gibberish.

Q. Did the NCAA use Cambridge Analytica to select the 2018 March Madness teams? (Jack O’Brien; Fairfax, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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