Miss Manners: Napkins on chair should stay there until diners return

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While at a restaurant, I needed to leave the table to use the restroom. I left my napkin on my chair. When I returned, my husband informed me that our waiter had picked up my napkin, refolded it, and left it on the table.

Now I had to figure out which side had been against my lap, and which against my mouth. If I guessed wrong I would have ended up with grease stains on my nice slacks. I figured it out, but not without some work.

Several nights later, while dining in what is reportedly the best restaurant in this particular city, I observed a waiter refolding the napkin of a patron who had temporarily left the table, so this refolding thing is obviously not just a quirk in one restaurant.

That this is gross and distasteful should not even need to be stated. If this should happen again, I will ask for a fresh napkin. But I will want to convey my distaste and displeasure that this has occurred.

What does Miss Manners suggest? And will she please ask restaurateurs to end this distasteful practice?

GENTLE READER: Right after she gets them to stop asking, “Are you still working on that?”

Such unfortunate practices seem to spread rapidly around the restaurant industry. And yet many people still regard expensive restaurants as models of formal service. It is not up to you to retrain the staff. Asking for a fresh napkin should make the point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the purpose of a wedding reception to “pay back” the guests for coming?

My niece is getting married soon. The couple is in their early 20s. They would like to have a small reception with just snacks, punch and cake. My niece’s parents are unable to help financially, and my niece is fine with just a small reception because that is what they can afford.

She is getting a great deal of pushback from others, who say that they “owe” their guests a big party to thank them for coming. I feel that guests should be there to share in their happiness and their day.

GENTLE READER: “Pay back”?

That’s one way of putting it, and making it sound crude. Another way would be that wedding guests would like to be able to congratulate the couple after the ceremony.

But Miss Manners is unclear about what you consider a “small” or “big” reception. If “small” means the simple fare you describe, the guests are crass to complain. But if it means that some guests will be dismissed while a reception is held for others, it will be the hosts who are callous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should a gentleman go before or behind a woman ascending stairs?

I’ve always been taught to follow a woman descending and ascending stairs, in the unfortunate case that she slips. I occasionally feel self-conscious, not wanting the woman to be paranoid with my face in her lower back.

GENTLE READER: The deciding factor here is not whether you go before or behind the lady, but that she should have a nice soft gentleman to land upon if she should stumble. Miss Manners notes that you have it half right: You should follow her going up, but precede her going down.