Miss Manners: Leave Miss Manners out of wedding photo debate

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did the practice of having the groom pose for pictures with his hand in his pocket begin, and why? Every Sunday, I see pictures of beautiful brides, perfectly groomed, standing beside slobs with their hands in their pockets. This really irritates me. I realize that I can do nothing about it.

GENTLE READER: Who is to say these gentlemen would not be proven even more slovenly by displaying what their hands are hiding?

Surprising as it may be, Miss Manners does not have a firm ruling on the placement of hands when posing for pictures. She leaves that to the photographers. As long as these bridegrooms are not making rude gestures, she considers herself – and their brides – fortunate enough.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professor and the director of a small graduate program at a large university. Each year, we select a group of applicants who, on top of admittance, receive a teaching assistantship. This comes with a tuition waiver and a stipend, together amounting to tens of thousands of dollars. Even smaller groups are offered merit fellowships of several thousand dollars.

I personally send notifications via email to these applicants, give them a decision deadline, and ask them to send me a note in response. In other words, they do not hear word of these offers in a bureaucratic form letter from an anonymous university official.

I am shocked, every year, that many of the recipients simply ignore the offer. I receive no acknowledgment of the offer, let alone an expression of gratitude. Their silence communicates to me that they feel enormously entitled.

Clearly, they have not been mentored correctly. After the decision date, I send follow-up emails to the applicants from whom I have yet to hear a word, letting them know that the decision date has passed, that the offer has been retracted and that we have moved to our waitlist.

I am tempted to add a line saying that I would have appreciated an acknowledgment of the offer. I am even tempted to offer some unsolicited professional advice: that it is good form to acknowledge professional opportunities and offers, even if one is going to decline them. After all, this is not just a matter of etiquette, but also a matter of burning professional bridges.

I know that good manners dictate that one does not point out the rudeness of others. But I am wondering if my role as a professor offers me some leeway here, as it is my job to teach students the ways of the profession. Does this extend to students who are not my own?

GENTLE READER: While these adult students should clearly know better, they are obviously in need of some guidance. Miss Manners is loath to employ the overused phrase “a teaching moment,” but that is what this is.

Miss Manners suggests: “In the future, it may behoove you to acknowledge the receipt of any monetary or positional prospects. Even if you are unable to take advantage of them now, surely you would not want to give the impression that they – or the generous people who recommended you for them – will never be of use.”