Miss Manners: Hosting as a group leads to headaches, hurt feelings

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My more mature millennial friends (those of us in our late 20s and early 30s) tend to co-host parties as a group for various celebrations: birthdays, engagements, holidays, etc. Generally, prior to this point in our lives, there was an even split amongst the group for the cost of the event.

However, now that some of us have partnered up, there has been a move to a “couples rate” and a “singles rate” for sharing the costs. For example: $300 for a couple and $175 for singles. But many of our single friends have found the additional cost of hosting the party an unfair “tax” or penalty for not being in a committed relationship.

Is there a difference depending on the event? Say, a holiday party simply for the groups’ common and ancillary friends, versus an engagement party for a sorority sister to whom most of the partners are not close?

GENTLE READER: It has not often been Miss Manners’ experience to hear “mature” and “millennial” used in proximity (unless by way of contrast). But since you have done so, she will answer by saying that the obvious solution is also the mature one: Stop charging admission to gatherings, and let each host throw his or her own party. It will spread out the expense – roughly – without endangering longstanding friendships over $25.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited our neighbors and longtime friends to dinner, and asked how many would be attending. They have two college-age children, one of whom lives at home, while the other attends college a few hours away.

While we expected up to four attendees, the reply came back “five.” They had invited their son’s girlfriend to come with them. This is a girlfriend, not a fiancee, nor does she live in their home.

Since when is it permissible to invite others to attend a sit-down dinner at someone else’s home? We do not know this girl! If they want us to meet their son’s girlfriend, shouldn’t it be at a get-together at their home?

GENTLE READER: Sympathetic as Miss Manners is to the plight of the hostess whose guests multiply without invitation, she understands your neighbors’ confusion. You did, after all, ask how many people were coming.

It would have been better to ask after the children – thereby ascertaining their whereabouts – and then issue a more specific invitation. Failing that, your neighbor should have volunteered who was around and then asked whom you wished to include. The proper way to avoid the unwanted extra guest is to express pleasure at the thought of meeting her, but apologize that it will have to wait for another occasion. This is more convincing if you have not just moments before issued an open-ended invitation.