With Thankgiving dinner, tolerance, goodwill on the menu

Thanksgiving meals are about more than what’s on the table. They are special gatherings, full of memories and traditions, where we hope our differences are less important than our connections and affections.

Often, we automatically leave certain topics off the table, like religion and politics, to avoid conflict.

But there is one topic that may be difficult to avoid because it is sitting there on the table in all its glory: the turkey.

This writer has experienced both sides of this situation.

I’ve been the host, wondering if I may be judged a brute for serving meat, unsure about dietary needs, afraid of embarrassing guests by seeking information, confused about what to serve. Will the meat sitting there make them feel ill? Your omnivore hosts may be just as disconcerted.

I’ve been the guest, wondering if I may be judged a weirdo, embarrassed for causing trouble, shy when others won’t stop talking about it, confused when meat is discovered in a non-meat dish, irritated at defensiveness I’ve done nothing to cause. Your vegetarian guests may have these feelings, too.

Here are ideas to navigate the issue to avoid feelings of awkwardness from either side at a time when you most want to feel connected to others at a holiday gathering.

So you are a vegetarian invited to Thanksgiving at the home of carnivores?

Actually they are omnivores, so please don’t make them feel you’d rather join a pride of lions at a kill site than sit at their table. Here’s how:

Background: Most Americans have never made a choice about eating meat – they just always have.

To some, your personal choice seems like an indictment. They know of health-related dietary issues, but assume yours is principle related, calling their principles into question.

To you, it’s as simple as Sally doesn’t eat dairy, John doesn’t eat broccoli and you don’t eat meat. But not eating meat can put meat-eaters on the defensive.

Decide in advance to: be a good example of vegetarians; not react to defensiveness; and make your company not about what you eat or don’t eat.

The invitation: If your hosts know you are vegetarian, or vegan, that’s great.

If your hosts do not know, let them know when you accept the invitation. Add something like: “I can’t wait for your pecan pie!”

It’s not the time to talk about why you’re vegetarian, how long you’ve been vegetarian, or how many vegetarians you know. And please don’t talk about why no one should eat meat.

If your hosts are just learning you’re vegetarian and ask thoughtful questions:

thank them and say you’re eager to share their company;

say you’ll enjoy other dishes;

let them know if you eat fish or dairy;

ask if you may bring a dish. (If you do, keep it simple.)

But:

ixnay on details about antibiotic- and hormone-injected animals eating a pesticide-filled, cannibalistic diet during their miserable lives before being inhumanely slaughtered.

If your hosts are just learning you are vegetarian but have ridiculous comments or questions:

thank them for their concern;

say you’ll enjoy other dishes;

ask if you may bring a dish;

do not react defensively.

If you are vegan:

know that what you eat may seem at best confusing and at worst condemning of them;

ask if you may bring a dish;

double ixnay on reasons for your choices.

Before the meal: Have a brief word thanking your hosts for the occasion and say you hope your diet won’t cause any serving problems.

If it appears served plates are brought to the table, ask if you can help serve your own meatless plate.

At the meal: If your being vegetarian or vegan is brought up, acknowledge it and don’t mention it again.

If it is repeatedly brought up that there is little you can eat, smile and say you are enjoying the good company.

If asked to explain yourself, say it is just your personal choice. If your insane choice becomes the center of conversation, don’t be led into a trap like innocent wild game. Let it go.

If your plate is served with meat, ignore it.

Tomato aspic? French onion soup? Do not inquire about ingredients.

If served salad, pasta, soup or vegetables with meat in it, or gelatin or marshmallows with animal byproducts in it, don’t comment. Try eating a few lettuce leaves, a few bites of pasta or veggies, fruit from the gelatin or sweet potato from under the marshmallows.

You are required to be polite, but you are not required to make yourself miserable. And remember, if you are all about your dietary choices, don’t blame others for believing that’s true.

Don’t let what is set before you, or what a rude person says, dictate your behavior or enjoyment of the occasion.

So you’re having vegetarians for Thanksgiving?

Well, you’re not going to eat them, but they’re joining you for Thanksgiving. Please don’t make them feel you’re insulted or put out by their choices. Here’s how:

Background: If you’ve never considered excluding meat, you are in the majority. Perhaps you’ve never had a vegetarian guest – that you know of – so you’ve not had to plan around this before. But when you do, see it as their personal choice, not as an attack on you, your family, your culinary skills or your hospitality.

Do not react with defensiveness on behalf of a hunk of meat.

Decide in advance to be a good example of omnivores and make the vegetarian or vegan feel comfortable in your home, as you would anyone else.

The invitation: If you do not know if everyone on your guest list is omnivore, it’s always a good idea to include vegetarian dishes.

If you know a guest is vegetarian or vegan, mention you’ll include appropriate dishes. They will be appreciative and it need not be mentioned again. This is especially helpful if your invitation is for a meal associated with meat – like Thanksgiving dinner. Consider asking if the vegetarian eats fish; if so, others may enjoy it, too.

If you do not mention the menu in your invitation, a guest may mention they are vegetarian in their acceptance, hoping to avoid inconveniencing you by telling you at the last minute.

If they offer to bring a dish, thank them.

Before the meal: If guests tell you they don’t eat meat right before the meal, don’t be upset. They were probably trying to downplay it and hoping to get by without extended discussion. If you have nothing appropriate planned, invite them to find something in the kitchen for their plates.

If they brought a dish, fight any feelings of irritation at your perfectly balanced menu being disrupted.

Relax and make them comfortable, as you would any other special-needs guest.

At the meal: If your style is to bring identical plates served with everything to the table, don’t be irritated if some things are uneaten.

Please do not repeatedly mention what the vegetarians can or can’t eat.

And for the love of your event, do not question them about their choices. If you keep asking, they may tell you, and no one wants to hear this at the table.

If other guests note the different servings and start talking about non-meat-eaters as if they were aliens, change the subject. If it continues, say that enjoying each other’s company is what the day is about, not about who eats what.

If plant-based guests start pontificating about the horrors of carnivore choices, interrupt just as firmly to protect your other guests.

You are required to be polite, but you are not required to make yourself miserable worrying about who is eating what.

Do not let what others eat or don’t eat dictate your behavior or enjoyment of the occasion.

In any group, you may have one guest who can’t have dairy, one who can’t eat gluten, one won’t eat cruciferous vegetables, one who can’t eat nuts, one who can’t drink alcohol, or one who would rather die than have cranberry sauce on their plate.

Just count the vegetarians or vegans among these other souls, accommodate them as best you can and then don’t worry about it.

So a known vegetarian is chowing down on a hunk of turkey? Huh?

What if a known vegetarian eats meat?

OK, this seems wildly inconsistent and hypocritical. It makes no sense. But not everything makes sense when it comes to special holidays.

Emotions are involved. Memories. Nostalgia. Eating or remembering eating food made lovingly by a mother or grandmother. Sometimes feelings outweigh everything.

If you entertain a vegetarian, provide meatless dishes, but then they eat turkey, please let it go.

Remember, most vegetarians do not stop eating meat because they don’t like it. They made the decision for other reasons important to them.

Still, some may make exceptions. Maybe only in their parents’ home. Maybe only at family holiday dinners. Maybe at any party, just to avoid awkwardness.

If you know someone is vegan, but then there they are slurping marshmallows on their cocoa, don’t call them on it.

Let it be. There may be things going on for them that you don’t know about. There is no profit in challenging them.

In fact, there’s never a good reason to challenge anyone about what they are eating or not eating.

Just relax and enjoy your wonderful accomplishment of hosting a meal enjoyed by all.