Paul Turner: Pig Out’s greatest hits

I’m not one to let the season slip away quietly.

So in the time-honored tradition of summer reruns, here’s a greatest hits package of column items and excerpts dealing with Pig Out in the Park.

Aug. 9, 2011: What would happen if marmots assumed control of Spokane in the manner of “Planet of the Apes.”

Q: Will there still be Pig Out in the Park if marmots take over Spokane?

A: Yes, but the name will be changed to something that doesn’t insult animals.

Sept. 2, 2010: “How many couples have broken up at Pig Out?”

Sept. 5, 2008: Readers’ suggestions for renaming the food festival.

Ideas included Tallow on the Green, Pigs Out in the Park, Bust a Gut Festival, Gluttony on the Grass, The Big Burp Bash, Scarf Till You Barf, Fall Foodfest, Summer’s End, Party in the Park, Grazin’ in the Grass, Price Gouging in the Park, Lost and Founder, Feast at the Park, Spandex in the Park, Taste of the Inland Empire, Alfresco Feast Festival, and Overcrowded Standing Dining Horror.

Aug. 21, 2008: Possible reasons people drink beer here.

One explanation: The prospect of perky local media coverage of Pig Out in the Park drives some to drink.

Aug. 30, 2007: Five rejected Pig Out pick-up lines.

1. “Is that barbecue sauce on your chin or what?”

2. “Gonna finish that?”

3. “Would you hold my plate while I use the chemical toilet?”

4. “Do I have roast yak in my teeth?”

5. “So do you think using chopsticks makes you look multicultural?”

Jan. 26, 2007: Ways Spokane is different from zombie films. Here’s one: There wouldn’t be an event called “Pig Out in the Park” in a zombie movie.

June 1, 2006: Multiple- choice answers to the question “What’s the main reason people go to ArtFest?”

One option was “Thought it was Pig Out.”

Aug. 21, 2004: Still more rejected names for the annual event.

They included “All You Can Eat,” “Made Glorious Summer,” “Pigfest,” “Man, I’ve Really Gotta Floss,” “Something To Do Over Labor Day,” “Trough Expo,” “Sweatin’ With the TV Anchors.”

Aug. 29, 2003: Readers’ “Pig Out in the Park” anagrams.

Up That Pig Oinker – Gordon Hensley

Take’r In, Hippo Gut – James Dodds

True, I Pat Pink Hog – Sandra Bancroft-Billings

Petition Park Hug – Terry Hontz

That U Porking Pie? – Connie Castle

Aug. 27, 2002: I printed this item.

Paul Lenoue’s hope: That Spokane can skip the annual wrangling over the name “Pig Out in the Park.”

Sept. 15, 2000: Readers’ suggestions for the name of a Shakespearean play based on life in Spokane.

Craig Heimbigner offered “A Midsummer Night’s Pig-Out.”

Sept. 1, 2000: Yours truly shared this not-so amazing insight.

Say it, don’t spray it: If you’d rather not utter the phrase “Pig Out in the Park” or even “Pig Out,” there’s always the lyrical acronym, “POITP.”

Aug. 18, 2000: Feedback on the idea of proposing that the event change its name. Here’s one reader’s note.

“How appallingly presumptuous of you to appoint yourself some kind of arbiter of dignified names in Spokane.”

June 4, 1999: I observed that ArtFest was a bit like “Pig Out in the Parking Lot.”

April 2, 1999: Which group had the highest grade-point average?

A) Bloomies. B) HoopFesters. C) Pig Out In The Parkers. D) Guys wearing Speedos on North Idaho beaches.

Sept. 5, 1998: I wondered if a “funny” pig-themed Pig Out in the Park pick-up line had ever worked.

Jan. 20, 1998: I suggested a downtown Spokane winter festival could be called “Pig Out In The Cold.”

Aug. 28, 1997: I wondered what tended to be the most memorable smell at Pig Out, before moving on to discuss bra shopping.

July 22, 1997: My column took note of the fact some visitors from out of town think you are kidding when you tell them the name of the fete.

Aug. 27, 1996: An item about a couple of musicians from California arriving for Pig Out and admiringly thinking Spokane was the Lost Land of Vintage Cars.

Sept. 3, 1994: The column addressed the phenomenon of certain men at Pig Out pretending to be having conversations on their cellular phones when, in fact, there was no one on the other end.

That was a long time ago. But did that ever impress anyone?

Let’s move on.