Carolyn Hax: ‘No children at the wedding’ ruffles family’s feathers

Hi, Carolyn: My fiance and I have had to exclude children from our wedding guest list. Our guests have 60 children among them, and our reception venue has a capacity of 150, not to mention what the kids add in price per head for the reception.

This went over fine with everyone, of course, except my brother and his wife. They are very focused on not knowing how to tell their 8-year-old daughter she cannot come. I have tried to explain from every angle, but they are not interested in understanding any point of view but their own.

We recently had an uncomfortable conversation about kids not coming to the shower for the same reasons. My mother is hosting the shower and thinks it is her decision to have children or not. She refuses to even discuss the issue. At this point, she refuses to even speak to me.

My brother and sister-in-law have now decided to not attend the shower, and I am seriously considering rescinding their invitation to the wedding. We want to celebrate with our friends and family who are happy for us and want to be supportive of us and our future. I don’t want people there who are sulky and negative because their child couldn’t come to an adult event.

Through all of this we are flying back and forth every two months to do wedding planning, we are paying for this all ourselves because parents cannot help, and my fiance has been out of work for nine months, so I’m not interested in dealing with the drama. – N.C.

I can’t think of anything that would add more white-hot drama faster than rescinding your invitation.

Welcome them warmly to your high road, let them sulk the whole way if they want to, let them get folded into, lost among, utterly negated by the rest of the 150.

And keep this in mind for next time: “try[ing] to explain from every angle” undermines an unpopular position, always, just when you most want to bolster it.

Why? Because having X different reasons hints at a lack of conviction, and belief in your decision is the most powerful argument you’ve got: “I know people will be disappointed, but inviting kids isn’t feasible.” Dooooooooone. Done done done. No further explaining. Any further pressure gets this response:

“I know you’re disappointed. We really hope you’ll come, but totally understand if this is a deal-breaker.”

Dear Carolyn: My family has several Realtors. Their feelings get hurt if you don’t use them, but, they aren’t especially nice the rest of the time.

I bought my first place without them. How should I tell them, and why am I afraid to do so? What is wrong with me? – Anonymous

Tell them you bought a house the same way you’d tell them anything else; you’re afraid because they’re touchy and they’re not very nice; your reluctance to share news you’ll be punished for sharing makes you, by my standards, a normal person.

Congratulations on your big milestone, and good luck with the angry mob. “Come at me, but I don’t do business with friends or relatives,” works as both sword and shield.