Miss Manners: Hostess gets to pick location for gatherings

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I come from a large, close family that celebrates many occasions together. For many years, our primary host was my Aunt Maureen, who, after moving to a smaller home, would host us all at one of her favorite restaurants, her treat. I asked several times to take a turn paying, but she refused; instead, I would send her flowers as a thank-you, which she always enjoyed.

Aunt Maureen passed away earlier this year. Shortly after her death, I hosted a meal at one of her favorite spots, and, of course, paid. However, I’ve since decided that if I’m the one hosting, I’d rather have family gatherings in my home. My husband and I both enjoy cooking, and our house is set up well for the small children in the family, with a large fenced-in yard and a playroom off the kitchen.

In addition, my father has health problems that make him more comfortable spending long periods of time in my home versus a public place like a restaurant.

However, my cousin, Maureen’s daughter, has said several times that she would prefer going out again and that she missed the restaurant meals. My cousin is a single mother of three with a limited income, so she is not offering to host.

I need a polite way to say, “I don’t want to go out to dinner if I’m going to have to pay for everyone,” especially since these gatherings can be 15 people or more. An added issue is that it’s not really the money – I could afford the meal, and my cousin knows this. I just prefer to host the group in my house.

GENTLE READER: “I loved both of Aunt Maureen’s traditions, but we would like to revert to her first one by having everyone at our house, which seems to work well for most of the family. Perhaps on occasion, we can order food from one of her favorite restaurants.”

Any reasonable person can see the compromise in this situation – and, Miss Manners adds, would not be so bold to push it when she knows it is not in her power or means to change it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws tend to be extremely generous around the holidays. They love to spoil their grandchildren with numerous extravagant gifts.

This year will be my son’s first Christmas, and I’m worried he will receive the infamous “Christmas loot” we’ve seen given to the other grandchildren in previous years. My husband and I agree that the gift-giving from his parents is over the top, and don’t want our son spoiled with presents. We’d much rather they spoil him with love and attention.

I feel we should have a conversation with his parents about their holiday shopping, but I don’t want to sound ungrateful for their generosity or judgmental about how the other grandchildren are treated. How do we stand our ground without offending anyone?

GENTLE READER: Fortunately or unfortunately, it is not only the grandparents’ prerogative to spoil their grandchildren, but it is not for you to determine the means.

However, Miss Manners will allow gentle guidance in general conversation: “Jasper already has so much, and the only thing he really wants to play with is my phone, if he can grab it. But he loves your attention.”

This is infinitely preferable to, “We would rather you not try to buy Jasper’s love with a mini Jeep.”