Carolyn Hax: Should she date an old flame even if he’s still married?

Dear Carolyn: I rejected “Sam” years ago in favor of “Aaron.” Aaron and I are newly divorced – initiated by me – after 25 years of marriage and three kids.

Sam has been alienated from his wife for many years and moved out five years ago at her insistence. Sam initiated divorce proceedings but they ultimately stalled.

Sam says he stays in the marriage for the sake of their only son, who is 21 and finishing college.

Now that I’m divorced, Sam wants to see me. I have refused his advances. He is still married, after all.

If I didn’t want to see him, there would be no problem. Alas, I do. Please provide a long list of reasons seeing Sam is an awful idea. – Someone Who Wants to Not Want Sam

This is your game; I have no interest in playing it.

You obviously want to satisfy your curiosity about Sam, so do it.

Whatever you decide, the likeliest potential snag isn’t that Sam is still married to a woman he doesn’t live with and hasn’t lived with for years, but instead that you and Sam are operating from a quarter-century-old idea of what it’s like to be together.

And possible amnesia to possibly excellent reasons you didn’t choose Sam back then.

And possible blindness to the fact of billions of other men/women on earth besides each other.

So if you do approach Sam, then be self-aware, logical, patient, open-minded, as skeptical as you can be without veering into cynicism, and self-aware (you say redundant, I say emphatic). And, set your B.S. detectors to 11.

This posture is the very antithesis of game-playing. Aka, bliss.

And if I’ve misread your letter and you genuinely don’t want to see Sam, because he’s still married or whatever else, then don’t.