Miss Manners: Daughter worries about spilled beans when mom befriends mother-in-law

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 10 years. We have a beautiful child together.

While my marriage is wonderful, I have an issue with my mother and my mother-in-law. For the past 10 years, my mother has listened to me vent about my mother-in-law. I have overlooked a lot of inappropriate comments from my mother-in-law toward myself and my child. She has four kids of her own, whom she does not treat fairly. My mother has been my sounding board and my support, as a mother should be.

My issue is that now, my mother has decided she is going to be personal friends with my mother-in-law. They are currently planning a trip together.

I am upset about this, and I feel she should always support her daughter. Keep in mind, my mother has told people things when she has been sworn to secrecy. Her comments seem to “slip” into her conversations. I am concerned that information regarding myself and my child will be told.

GENTLE READER: Take this as an opportunity to have an extra ally.

Miss Manners suggests that you invite them over together as much as possible – and certainly ahead of their trip. That way, you can partake in, or at least be privy to, any inside jokes and embarrassing stories, and reduce, or at least manage, the possibility of divulging secrets.

In the event of a slip-up, a stern warning uttered to your mother in a fun and friendly way (“Oh no, Mom, you don’t want to share that! You wouldn’t want Brenda to think that you didn’t bring me up right, would you?”) will serve as fair warning – and assure her that two can play this game.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that proper etiquette dictates that a friend, rather than a family member, throws a baby shower, but my sister is pregnant and her best friend lives in another city.

Although she has friends in our city, most are men, and I’m skeptical that any will think to be the one to host the shower. I believe many of these friends would be more than happy to host the shower, I just don’t think it will occur to them independently to volunteer.

Is it appropriate for me, as sister of the mother-to-be, to reach out to one of my sister’s friends and ask if they’d be interested in hosting a baby shower? I know my sister would like one, and it seems more appropriate for me to find a host than for her to have to ask someone herself. \

GENTLE READER: No one should ever be coerced into being a host. However, given these extenuating circumstances, Miss Manners will allow you to enlist the help of one of your sister’s friends to serve as honorary host on one condition: The friend is not given the privilege of footing the bill – or even half of it – unless it is genuinely offered.