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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Miss Manners: Reach out to disgraced friend with care

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin Andrews McMeel Syndication

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine made some poor choices at work and was forced to resign from her company. I learned about this because it made national news.

I want my friend to know I still love her and am there to support her, but I don’t know what to say. I have thought of writing her a letter of encouragement, but am at a loss for words. What do you say to someone you care about who has done something terrible?

GENTLE READER: Too many wives of power-abusing men are asking themselves this very question right now. The scope of the crime is paramount here – and decisions about morality versus loyalty must be made.

There is, for example, a difference between a financial transgression and a human violation – even if this distinction is only in the eyes of the friendship and not the law. “I was sorry to hear your news. I hope that you and your family are well” covers most categories. But Miss Manners suggests you resist adding, “Let us know if there is anything we can do” – lest you find yourself suddenly subpoenaed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married in a couple months. Even though I tried to be prepared, and have received a lot of help, I am feeling very stressed trying to organize everything.

My best friend is getting married two weeks after I am, and I will be her matron of honor. We have been friends since we were babies, and are actively organizing events for each other and assisting with each other’s planning, but it is a lot of stress!

I have another friend getting married in a year who is a bridesmaid in my wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor, and I said yes, but that I wouldn’t be able to do anything until after my wedding and my friend’s wedding.

Since I said this, I’m getting daily text messages about her wedding planning, emails from her mother about planning her bridal shower, and getting angry text messages if I don’t respond immediately. She has threatened to remove me as matron of honor three times, but each time quickly changed her tune when I said that it is her choice and that I would understand.

My stress level is very high, and I’ve long lost my patience with the daily messages about flower colors. I would like to remove myself from this wedding. Is there an appropriate way to do this? How could it affect her role in my wedding?

GENTLE READER: It sounds to Miss Manners as if her withdrawal from your wedding might not be the worst thing to happen.

“No one understands as I do how important the difference is between avocado and chartreuse, and how much effort it takes to plan a wedding. As I mentioned, I am afraid that I am just incapable of making any important decisions right now until after my own and Tyra’s weddings. So I absolutely understand if you find yourself too busy to partake in mine. We brides have to stick together.”

With any luck, she will be so confused by this sentiment that she will slink off into her subtly hued wedding world without you.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.