Carolyn Hax: How should I respond to people who pity me for not having kids?

Hi Carolyn: I was making small talk at a work function when a woman asked if I had children. I said no. She expressed pity that I hadn’t experienced life’s greatest joy and said she couldn’t understand why women these days prioritize careers over family. She added that parenthood is a prerequisite for being a good manager since women without children lack the maturity necessary to lead teams.

Carolyn, it wasn’t my choice not to have kids, and this is a painful subject for me.

In my 20s, I would have brushed this off and changed the subject, but now I am in my 40s struggling to save for retirement on a salary that falls far below that of my married-with-children peers in the same profession. I have been passed over even though I have always had outstanding performance evaluations. I am always expected to work overtime and take a hit for the team because I don’t have kids, yet I am also resented and belittled for it.

So, this time I calmly asked her, “Do you think having a genetic disease makes a person immature? Do you think watching an 8-year-old relative die from said genetic disease makes a person immature? There are a lot of reasons people don’t have kids, and a lot of paths to maturity.”

That did not go over well. Now my presence clears the room.

What should I have said? Should I just keep ignoring such comments and changing the subject? – Childless in the Workplace

You told her what she deserved to hear in response to her cruel, grossly unfounded prejudice. I’m glad you said what you did.

That is easy for me to say, yes, as someone who does not have to live with the consequences every day at work – on top of the emotional consequences of your family’s genetic makeup, which sound so painful, I’m sorry.

It bears saying anyway, though: You said what you deemed appropriate at the time, in response to an attack on your core values and competence. She’s fortunate to have left this encounter not wearing your drink. (Not that I condone that, of course.) So while it’s normal to replay and second-guess what you said, especially given the reception you’re getting at work, I hope you’ll embrace your answer as an act of self-care.

What I recommend now is to add one or two more self-care efforts to this one. First is the easier of the two: a charm offensive. Of sorts. Choose the two or three colleagues you get along with best, and put in a little extra effort. Your colleagues, it seems, were stunned by your family tragedy into forgetting how to talk to you; so, gently and professionally remind them how to do it.

Second, much tougher but with a higher potential payoff: Use this as a wake-up to a workplace that isn’t working for you. Isn’t it time to test the market for your outstanding performance and selflessness? To apply for jobs that pay what you’re worth? Sometimes it takes a bad experience to motivate change for the good.

Hi, Carolyn: I’m a 39-year-old woman, married to my husband for 14 years. My mother-in-law constantly calls me to tell me to send cards (thank you notes, condolences, donations) to my husband’s family members. In most cases I’ve already done this, as my parents raised me with great manners.

I would really like her to stop, as this action makes me feel that she doesn’t see me as an adult, but a child. I asked my husband to talk with her, but his family doesn’t do conflict of any kind. I’m happy to talk with her about it, but I’m not sure how to do so respectfully. Thoughts? – Thankful Adult

So, the condescension is what bothers you, and not that she asks the woman instead of her own son? And if you’re a child, then what is he – a goldfish?

Longer-than-usual sigh.

Whenever you’re upset that someone is judging you as X, but you haven’t heard “I think you’re X” from the person’s mouth, there remains the possibility that you’re upset over something that hasn’t actually happened.

You’re also concerned about being respectful, and I don’t think it’s respectful to be upset at people for things they possibly haven’t done.

So I suggest you get at both problems by asking your mother-in-law what she means by her queries: “You always remind me – may I ask why?”

You can also choose not to ask, and instead ascribe a motive to her that you wouldn’t find upsetting. For example, that she loves and respects you and employs these excuses to call you. That it’s not personal and she feels it’s her job to mother-hen all women younger than she. That she has un- or under-treated anxiety and this is one way it manifests. Since you don’t actually know what she thinks, any of these more palatable versions can be as true as you want it to be.