Dear Annie: Caretaking from the heart

Dear Annie: I have never written to an advice columnist but feel the need to share my experience of having been the caregiver for my parents. It was so hard for me emotionally to visit as they slowly lost their memory and physical abilities. I frequently broke into tears when I left.

About two years before their passing, I had a conversation with a former nurse of the nursing home. We got to talking about people in the nursing home. She said, “When you bring your parents to us, we have no memories of them. We are here to care for them – food, bathing, a roof over their heads and general well-being – as best as we can. We then start to grow to love them for who they are today.”

As I was driving home that night, it struck me: They are not my parents anymore. So, I tucked my memories of them in a back corner of my mind. I then thought, “What do they need at this point in their lives?”

My father, who was not much of a talker, especially since he had hearing issues, needed his cigarettes, a bit of conversation and watered-down whiskey. My mother needed conversation and chocolates. I would go up after work every other night with this agenda in mind.

I miss my parents, but I do not miss the toll it took on me for the last two and a half years of their lives. I also took the guilt I felt after their passing and turned it around into feelings of joy that they do not have to endure that part of their lives anymore.

It is wonderful that my memories of my parents come back in very unique ways, such as a smell or a phrase. Other times memories simply pop into my head. It brings a smile and maybe even a chuckle.

I am writing this for the caregivers out there. I have shared this story with my friends who are going through this with their parents. After I tell them about my experience, they say, “Wow, this sheds new light on how to think about my parents and what is needed for them.”

This may not work for everyone, but if it helps one person, then great! – A Former Caregiver

Dear Former Caregiver: Thank you for sharing your beautiful and well-narrated story about your parents. It sounds like they were wonderful people and, fittingly, that they raised a thoughtful and caring child.