Miss Manners: Dealing with a gossiping relative

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was having a sad and difficult time, a not-close relative through marriage reached out to me, told me she loved me like a sister, and “wanted to help.”

She asked me many questions, while also saying several times that she would not repeat anything I said. I now hear, through old friends, that she has spread what I told her as gossip, along with her own demeaning spin, to everyone in my hometown.

I’m horrified, and my reputation is damaged. She has now contacted me, saying that she’s available if I “need to talk.”

Obviously, I am not interested. I want to never see this woman again, and will proceed accordingly. But if she continues to contact me, or if I were to run into her, is there an appropriate way to alert her that I know, and that she should stop?

I don’t want to get into any in-depth discussion with her, and my instinct is to simply turn my back if I see her.

GENTLE READER: Not having to speak with her again and alerting her that you know what she did are understandable goals, but contradictory. If you turn your back or angrily confront her, it will surely lead to more words; if your response is a mildly cold, “Thank you,” she may not realize she got caught. Miss Manners can endorse either course of action, once you decide which goal is more important to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I borrowed two propane space heaters for a two-hour party. I filled them up prior, and not much of the propane was used. When I return them, do I fill them up?

GENTLE READER: As a rule, Miss Manners does not look to rental car agencies for etiquette advice. But in this case, she makes an exception. Such companies do not measure the difference between a full gas tank and an empty one in tablespoons – nor need you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice, when different friends have invited me and my husband for dinner, the conversations went something like this.

Friend: “We would love to have you and John over for dinner next month!”

Me: “That would be great! We have no plans on our calendar right now.”

Friend: “Let me know what day and time you want to come over, and what you would like to eat.”

I am confused. Isn’t the host supposed to set the date, time and menu? Are these friends being overly accommodating, or are they trying to push some of the responsibility for the evening onto us?

Or were they not serious about an invitation in the first place, like when you run into an old acquaintance in the street and say, “We must catch up sometime,” when you know you never actually will?

I haven’t responded because I feel weird calling them and saying, “We’re coming for pasta on the 15th at 7 p.m.!”

GENTLE READER: Although she cannot tell what your friends are thinking, Miss Manners can tell you how to respond: “We are free the evening of the 15th, if that works for you. We have no dietary restrictions and are sure we will enjoy whatever you serve.” How your hosts respond will reveal their intentions.