Miss Manners 8/21

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A lifelong friend of mine was incarcerated for a white-collar crime of a rather serious nature, and the possibility of him leaving jail in the next few years seems slim.

I’ve only known him as a kind, friendly and honest person, though the state prosecutors portrayed another side of him. We’ve remained in touch with letters throughout the years, and I do not wish to desert him, especially since most everyone else in his life has.

However, I’m in a quandary as to what to write to him about now. Obviously, I cannot talk solely about what’s happening in my life, which is relatively carefree, and ignore the circumstances of his confinement and the possibility of his prolonged imprisonment. It’s also difficult to wish him “Happy Birthday,” “Happy New Year” or the like, when “happy” is not an operative word in his world at the moment.

Mainly, I would like to convey to him that I’m still his friend and would like to keep a conversation going throughout this ordeal, even if the situation is an awkward one. How can I achieve this?

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that the thing you may both have in common at the moment is leisure time. She suggests that you talk about what you are doing to occupy it, by telling him what books you are reading or shows you are watching. The conversation should therefore be equitable, since you will both be able to make recommendations – and mutually expand your repertoires.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a sister who lives in another state and calls almost every day. She is an opinionated person who loves to hear herself talk, and a terrible listener. She will tell you what she “knows,” and will argue her point to the bitter end.

She is divorced and has alienated all her children, though she doesn’t understand why. She hasn’t spoken to her only daughter for over a year. We were raised in different households, due to the death of our parents when we were children, so we were more like cousins growing up.

I am thankful to have her in my life, but I’m tired of being on the defensive every time I talk with her. Our last conversation didn’t end too well, so maybe it’ll be a few days before I hear from her.

GENTLE READER: Try just listening. That is likely all that your sister wants, and if you can train yourself to tune out any unwanted information, your relationship will be the better for it.

This is not to say that you should allow yourself to be complicit in any untoward schemes or sentiments. Just a simple, “I am afraid that I don’t agree,” without elaborating, should help quiet her. As she has alienated her other relatives, Miss Manners hopes that this will teach your sister to be more temperate. Or else it will infuriate her to the point of not calling for a while, and then you will at least be given another break.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.